Diary of a dancer 5.24.2021 Long talk (heavy tw: personal trauma & abuse & pregnancy loss)

Since the miscarriage it's really changed a lot for me. For 17 years I've repeated the same cycles of burrying my traumas and bottling it up and never proccing it all. I could fill a book with the absolute hell scape my life has been. No shit, this the kind of shit they make tragic fucking movies with feel good endings about, only i'm still waiting for my feel good ending but I really wonder how far I'll make it and what will do me in first, my physical health or mental health? 

But anyway, back to what I was saying, I've just been bottling shit up and it's been a problem and I've not processed it at all or allowed myself to heal for years from each and every fucked up thing that's happened and when I lost my child it hurt so fucking bad emotionally and broke me in a way I didn't think was possible. But I'm taking this time now while I'm already processing a lot of pain to finally focus on letting myself heal and processing the last 17 years worth of trauma instead of keeping it hidden in the dark. 

I'm not letting it stay hidden and allowing my abusors to get away with hurting me and others. I'm not going to let the pain and scars ive never let heal keep me bitter and broken. I want better for myself and my child when I get another chance. I want people to understand the hell i've seen and been put through and not take pity on me for being so sad and fucking broken and just hiding it. I want them to see me as someone who's seen hell and didn't let it break them. I've picked myself up from every horrific god damn thing i've been through from being molested, multiple rapes, being sex trafficked, physically abused, emotionally abused, homelessness, drug addiction, losing my child, every fucking hell i've had to walk through and see that i've fucking picked my self back up and put myself back together and I'm still strong enough to be the woman i need to be for myself, for my family, for my friends, for my partner, and for my next child. 

It's baby steps day by day slowly gathering the courage to speak out on those who need to be outed for their vile acts and seeing where the pieces fall and who to trust. It's baby steps to finally not be gritting my fucking teeth every day so hard that my jaw aches because I just keep pretending everything is fine. One day I might not flinch when my partner hugs me around my ribs because of my rapist breaking them. I'm taking it day by day slowly working through it all, I don't know how long it's going to take but the weight of the hell i've seen feels just a little lighter on me. 

I don't have just one abusor, I've had several. I've had my own friends turn on me and side with the heroin addict that raped me over someone who had stood by their side for 9 solid years. 

I've lost every friend I had to the lies. And was the one who had to appologise to get anyone to stop treating me like shit. When years later the same girls who said I lied apologized to me for lying. 

I've had my own friend turn on me when her brother bounced my head off the hood of my car and tried to kill himself in front of me and then come at me. 

I've had an on and off again ex that was a long time abusor that continually took every friend i had and convinced them i was insane and lying for 6 straight years. It wasnt until a prominent member of our local music scene got mad at them for something unrelated to me and called them out for all their abuse towards people that anyone finally heard my voice after 6 years.

I've contunally been isolated and abused and silenced for 17 years by different abusors. 

And now I'm finally working on becoming the most whole version of me I can be after years and years of being broken. I'm setting boundaries, I'm finding my voice, and I'm fighting back. 

I've not been a good person myself because I've been so angry at the world and myself and my abusors and took that anger out on myself and those around me as well and I can admit that and have apologized directly to those I have hurt and accepted their pain and done my best to prove a change from drug abuse and growth from the pain I had been taking out on them wrongfully so by my toxic actions and words. 

I'm working towards making myself the best I can be to make up for the years I've lost to abuse and pain. And to build a better future for myself and my partner and our children later on. I'm working towards it to allow the people who I wrongfully lashed out at to see the change and see that i'm doing better and truly understood the gravity of my actions and learned that the hell i've been through explains it but it does not excuse it and that I have to do better for my sake and everyone elses for us to heal. 

I truly hope that the people who've abused and done awful things to me will also see and understand their actions hurt others one day and to grow and do better and be a better person and that their other victims find a way to heal from the hell they inflicted on them too.