This is now my safe space

I feel lost. Not always, but sometimes my mind wanders to the pits of my memory and then i feel lost. Lost in the "good old days" lost in "what ifs" lost in the person I thought I was going to become, but didn't. Why does that happen? Why do things happen in life that we can't control? Who is? And who's deciding that I deserve what I go through? And everyone always says  "oh but what does kill you makes you stronger" or " god gives all of his strongest soldiers the hardest battles" but who said I wanted to be a soldier? Who said I wanted to fight? Why do I need to be strong when i'm so soft. I have all this love inside me that wants to be shared, but all i ever got was lust or pain, that turned me into the person I was. I had to overcome her, it was the hardest part of my life at the time, letting go of the strong headed women who was protecting me from the hurt, but she was really the one hurting. Then I got blessed, but as most things in my life that blessing was taking from me. And that broke me, I'm still broken from it, you would have been 1 tomorrow my angel.. I don't know why i'm writing this, or where its even going but all i know is that now its time for me to heal, because no matter what else gets thrown my way I will heal from it all. I want to be the best version of myself possible and if that means killing every other version then so be it. I've started over too many times now. I've lived a lifetime, in this world or another, but my soul is tired, and its time to give her the peace she deserves.