Thoughts #1

I hate the place we all hold in the mantle of our society. 

We are nothing but mirrors that reflect the sins of others, but sometimes they stay, like a burn mark on a dingy motel rug infested with fleas. 

Everything that has ever lived on this Earth has sinned, or done wrong in the eyes of another because nobody is ever as lily white as their bones beneath their skin.

The air feels different, as though theres a new current in it. 

A change up ahead, perhaps? 

Or maybe it's just the sinking feeling that forms in one's mind right before the lightning hits. 

All things aside, I need an escape.

I need an escape from watching the raindrops like tears streak down my windows,

The turbulent storm outside is nothing compared to the one that rages just behind my eyes. 

Leaves, crunching underfoot, dead yet beautiful. 

To me, I am outside watching a happier time, one unaffected by my presence. 

All I can do is watch, never interact in the fears of it dissapearing like a ghost in the twilight. 

My eyes burn, but so does my skin.

It itches with a newfound promise, a hollow one at that, that someday I will be greater than myself, that I will achieve a higher level of being, and live above the others in my self-built castle that is one good criticism away from tumbling away back into the very volcano it was forged out of. 

I will grow my wings, but I will be flightless.

Paralysed by the potential failures that I'll stain my hands blood red with. 

Change is something that I've grown to fear, and I really wish I hadn't. 

I would rather be anywhere but here, in a stupor of my own creation, leaving my head for a couple of hours before returning to the mountains of unclean and sickly thoughts waiting for me the second that I reopen my mental door. 

It's not often that I let people truly see what lay behind the door, but I'm always frightened that they'll find a way to break in and take all of my valuables. 

The yearning to let someone in and not worry about them destroying my mess of a home is eating away at me, and one day I truly hope I find the one to share my home with. 

But for now at least, I wallow in my own, hand-made darkness and think of the things that could've been. 

But that also frightens me deeply.