A Letter To God (i guess)

Dear God
Why must I shudder when I think of something for more than a few fleeting minutes?
Something about the quickly decaying nature of thoughts in my mind unsettle me
The seemingly human thoughts are nothing but glimpses, but the horrible, skin-tearing bleeding thoughts etch themselves into my veins
I'm terrified of totaly isolation
I need to feel a lover's warmth as the temperature decreases
I just need to know that I leave an impression on people, that i tattoo the deep reaches of their psyche
Getting buried in the dark, unforgiving sands of time is my absolute nightmare
I don't want to suffocate on the mere passing minutes that hang over my head like the smell of smoke
If life is meant to hurt, then I'm no masochist
If life is meant to teach us new things then I'm no student
I just don't feel like anything anymore
My muscles scream with numbness as they rush with undeserving warm blood
I need to make my body a work of art, so I can be framed after my souls departure
Wear my flesh as a wonderful scarf
Hold me around your neck so I can feel a beating pulse 'neath my hands again
Think of me, sitting alone in the dark with demons of hopelessness clawing at my flesh
I want to be remembered, and I don't care what for
My hollow promises ring through my mind and I break, shatter into millions of mulched stars
Take the stars and scatter them like ashes, a memorandum of a soulless body that now lays unpossessed six feet under
If I had the great wings of angels I would leave this wretched earth with only the clothes on my back and a sword for the purpose of smiting you
I don't deserve anything else
I just deserve to feel blood on my skin that isn't my own
I deserve to bring down religion
I will slaughter those pig headed follows you cling to like an iron lung
You were apparently watching over me as I was born,
So I am going to watch you die
Choke on your own, self-made vermilion and be drowned in the feeling of regret
I would then turn the blade onto myself, pierce myself one last time, and watch my acidic, impure blood stain the very heavens and leak down to earth
I want it to cause havoc, and I want there to be chaos
There is so much I will never experience, and that's what scares me the very most
I want to disappear into the murky depths of the night and go where I am wanted
Weightlessness of being needed is all I ever want to hold to my chest in my final moments as a warm, embracing light engulfs me
White light will beam from my scars and I will leave behind a shell
Just as it was meant to be
Nothing more than a beginning, middle and end