my thoughts on polyamorous relationships and dating as a whole

Essay Start!

ever since I was a kid, ive had the ability to be/feel attracted to more than one person. back then, it was only girls. now ofc, i can have multiple crushes on some girls and guys. Its interesting. I talk a bit with my gf about this, and I’ve been extremely accepting with her other crushes, and she’s been a lil bit jelly of my other ones, but nothing insane. She and I still agree that we dont wanna bring anyone into our relationship, but have we had serious talks about if (key word if) we would wanna have 1 or more people in our relationship (the answer was ultimately no). 

Well, why, you might ask? perhaps you’ve read comics or something cute about polys (meaning polyamorous, which innately means multiple loves, not to be confused with polygamy, which is multiple marriages, historically used as a system of oppression against women in certien cultures, cough cough Mormons, yeah im throwing shade). Or perhaps you are ferverantly against polys, attributing it to ones that havnt worked in the past. to that, id like to point out that we are in the 21st century, and its no longer just men creating a shitty relationship and forcing multiple girls to be a part of it, or that even the other two partners have to be girls! Id suggest you look up the comic Boyfriends on Webtoons to get a good idea of what the ideal poly relationship works like. Maybe you’ve already read it, or you just did, or you dont wanna and want me to explain. Well, dear viewer, polys when they work can be cute and consentual. consent is key with all relationships, but especially polys. With the right people, you can gain the huge benefit of having multiple people love you and being exposed to them loving eachother closely. 

Now with why polys CAN work out of the way, im gonna explain why they wont work for specifically me, and probably anyone in my age range. Not trying to offend anyone, just my word of warning and opinion. Perhaps you are in a healthy poly and feeling great about it! For that, im happy for you, and more than slightly impressed. You see, polys on a base value are like any other relationship: they are based on some core values to be healthy. Love, mutual respect, commitment, patience, and communication. For a normal relationship, you need love for attraction, respect for comfort and balanced power dynamics that work for both people, commitment to keep the relationship going and not hurting other people’s feelings, patience for when things go wrong because they will and you gotta roll with the punches and be polite and understanding with your partner and those around you, and lastly communication. This one in my opinion is the most important, because it is the hardest. All of these are technically essential to a relationship, because without any one a relationship is doomed to falter, plain and simple. Perhaps patience is second most important, because if you are missing one and go through a rocky patch, you will have a chance to repair. However, communication is still the most important. This is because it is really hard to talk to people. We as humans hate talking about things that are uncomfortable or risk societal shaming, and thus don’t enjoy confrontation that could cause arguements or ruin our image, even if we know that it is nessisary. To have a good relationship, you have to be willing and able to break the bounds of your comfort, and talk even when it hurts. thats the kind of communication im talking about—  By the way, this whole essay is about lasting relationships. short term relationships can be fun and work, and they are easier. but lasting ones, ones that feel most fulfilling, these are the ones that you will want to truly enjoy a poly. Afterall, in our society where breakups can sometimes mean loosing friends, planning for long term can mean you have more chances to get close to em, and keep some sort of relationship, friend or not, going. Which is my personal goal with dating haha, i guess i care about my partners as friends first.

Anyways. I tend to get sidetracked. Lemme focus back on my topic— yes polys. So, i discussed why normal relationships need a lot to work in the mid-long term, so how about polys? well, why they dont work is that at the teen, especially early teen-tween age, who will be most interested in poly rn because its becoming popular again, is because that age range struggles most with communication. Not even judging or being that guy, im speaking from experience. No, i havnt had a poly, but ive seen them break apart. people dont talk to eachother, and it hurts to watch friends, yes partners but also friends, break apart cuz of hurt feelings, jealousy, or miscommunication. Relationships are a lot of work, but for a poly? 2 times the work, and thats only in a poly of 3. each person is a whole new relationship. It is ridiculously hard, and the kind of expectation we shouldnt have to put on our youth, on our peers to do. Because even if you are ready for one, perhaps your partners arnt, and just want to please you. Even if you are extremely charasmatic and convincing, theres always a chance they might not be fully ready. Make sure to be super open.

So, where am I leading this? yeah, imma give advice about polys actually being able to work. 

Advice on polys:

wait until your atleast 16. you will thank me later

communicate. make sure your partner (or potential partners) really want this too. Talk to them about polys before doing anything, even if you are tempted just resist the urge to begin until everyone is introduced to the topic.

Do a lot of self reflection. If you are an easily jealous person, or your partner is, id suggest not going for a poly. even the most comfortable person will harbor a lil bit of jealousy at first as you figure out dynamics.

Talk to your partner if you are already dating. 

          —If they say no or they arnt interested, its time to self-reflect again. How important is this to you? now is not the time to keep pushing your partner or try to convince them; if they arnt ready, then they arnt ready .  please respect that. If being in a poly is that important to you, and youd rather sacrifice what you have to get one, break up if you want. If you think that experimenting with poly is less important than the relationship you’ve cultivated, then keep it going and try to manage your disappointment. dont take it out on your partner, please respect their decision. no amount of begging will actually change their mind, even if they eventually say yes. it will just be controlling and hurt their feelings

      —if they say yes, unlikely but possible, now its time to talk together and find who might be a candidate. Spend time picking one person at first. Ask them once, and then wait for them to respond. Take no for an answer, again make sure not to push. Perhaps they change their mind in the future, but you cant be too hopeful. If they dont, you are ruining your image by bothering them. If they say sure, great, now your almost in a poly. Talk more with your partner, have all 3 of you meet, and just try something simple to see if you all actuallt have feelinfs for eachother. hold eachothers hands and stare into eachothers eyes or anything that could fluster eachother. Learn to care about eachother even if you aint yet, take things slow and dont rush to sex. be sweet, be gentle with progression. 

there. thats my warnings and guide to poly. It isnt likely to work for young people, even people my age. But, if there are people who really really want it, think about if it could work, and make sure to talk to your partner. Personally, i wont anytime soon, but I hope perhaps this guide can be in depth and helpful for someone out there. Enjoy your afternoon, and dont judge people who poly or dont. their problems are not our buisness cuties. See yall!