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Category: Life

Insomnia Thoughts #2 Electric Boogaloo

Night of May 3rd, 2021. 3:25am


TW vent, SH, ED

Lately, I've been really struggling with staying in the present. I have been focusing so much on what I want to do in the future that I've gotten stuck within my present situations. I keep having to remind myself that everything takes time and that I can't, and shouldn't, rush into the future. But this stuck feeling, this standstill of sorts, causes me to spiral into depressive episodes that just lead into so many other problems. 

I've been dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts about s*lf h*rm. Most of the time unprovoked, and always graphic images. It's been making it very hard to keep from relapsing, I havent so far but I've been dealing with this for at least a month, maybe more. I dread the day I can't reason myself away from it. I'm not worried I'll hurt myself as badly as in these thoughts, but I fear what other toxic traits will resurface. My overthinking and eating disorder have already popped back up, I'm afraid of what else will too.

 I think part of the first step is acknowledging that I have toxic traits and then working on improving them. I am working on it. It's hard. But I'm taking responsibility for my actions. I am going to start doing shadow work to further deconstruct my negative effects on the world and people around me as well as work toward self forgiveness. I can't change the past, I can only change how I act and react in the present.

Lou


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