my pansexual experience!

So. Ive always liked girls. Thats been something thats came easy for me. But when I was really young, i had this one summer where I liked this cute boy. And so i was like 6 right. smoothtalker and very charming but dumb. So i got close to him, hung out, became his friend. Then 6 yo me made a joke about boys kissing boys. Cuz i was dumb and repressed and unsure of myself and wanted to make a joke and see how it went. Now, dont get yourself fooled: i was 6. i wouldnt have done JACK SHIT. i didnt even know what i was talking about. But this kid that i liked, he got freaked out. He talked about that shit not being normal, and called over the summercamp councilors. This lil shit was an attention whore, and he kept asking them if i was messed up for saying that. Naturaly, they ignored him, so he went on and lied and said i actually kissed him without permission. This got their stupid homophobic asses into attention. I didnt do JACK SHIT. I was a confident lil fucker in my talk, but i was deathly afraid of romance and kissing. I turned beet red and got really quiet. The councilors called me over, asked me if it was true. And I said no, i dont think so, and i felt so guilty about trying to ask him if guys could kiss that i looked unsure of myswlf. And that dumbass kid kept whining about me kissing him cuz he was attention seeking, when I didnt actually do shit! so my parents got called, and the councilors told them that I had fucking “bad touched another kid”. And they were highschoolers like i am now, so ofc they didn’t specify what. They also didnt wanna deal with this bull, so they told my parents to ask me what happened. Then I left. That day, it was my dad picking me up. Hes actually not homophobic, but thought idk i fyckung groped this kid or some shit and kept asking me what the fyck i did. And i was just. Beet red and laughing a lil cuz i was scared as fuck and i only made a joke and i was so nervous i almost threw up. And i couldnt really speak. And then my dad got pissed. Looking back, I cant blame him, cuz i wasnt communicating. But if my ma was there, she totally woulda helped me out. It was a terrible coincidence: ma was away on a work retreat, and dad was the only one home and bad with talking ti his kids. So he yelled at me, took away my gaming privaledges, got really pissed, made me wait to eat dinner, and a lot of other shit. Scared the fuck outta me, and i was still too nervous to say anyrhing. I was so confused at how this escalated so fast. Scared me to death. So, i just didnt say anything. And i felt like shit. Ok. Eventually, time went on, and everyonr else firgit about that moment except me, and my lil stupid kid brain equated to “you are not gay, gay is bad.” And i liked girls, so that was easy enough. Eventually, i talked to my parents about what it meant to be gay. And i said, in passing: “mom and dad, do you think i could be gay?” and they said “no, ofc not, you like girls.” and they didnt know anything ahout bi or pan, so that was always the end f the convo. And it was true, I did like girls, but not only girls. Yet i had this image in my mind that no, thats not me, im this straught cis het dude with knly cookie cutter existabce and feelings. 

So, time passes. Abd then i make a lot of lgbtq+ friends. Like, a shit ton. Lookkung back, i was so repressed and projecting my wish to crush on men LMAO. But anyways, i was all about learning their stuff and what they were like and normalizing that for myself. So, i met a bunch of kids who were Bi-curious. And my parents abd otherparents were all “oh its normal to experiebt with feelinfs :) dont feel pressure tho to be who you arnt!” bullshit. BULLSHIT. if the kids felt gay/bi, looking back i wish they wertnt in this conservative mindset community where they didnt feel comfy being gay/bi. Cuz its true, even tho my paretns are super liberal, my town is super old-fashioned and its affected me and my brother.

I digress. So, smashcut to a few years ago. Browsing Webtoons, great site, when i come across cute BL comics. So i liked them, felt… sOmE soRtA wAy reading them, and they wernt Yaoi, they wernt porn, so i told myself yeah its normL its just like cute romantic rom coms that i read, tey are adorable and thatsvit! hahaha im not gay! (ofc foreshadow)

Then. Ok. two years later. Im surrounded by gay friends, comfortable with my sexuality, as totally straight. Then, i meet this guy. Hes this straight (totally actually straight like i havnt seen him genuinely pine after any men i dont think LMAO i could be wrong tho) dude who thinks that hes bi and says that hes bi cuz he wants to fit in with our hella gay friends (totally actually straight but just has gotten hit on by boys and likes the attention, hmm reminds me of some other boy from the past… maybe i have a type XD). ANYWAYS. This guy, he met me, and immediately made jokes about trying to pick me up and shit. And i got a crush on him. He was actually just joking so he got weirded out by me wanting to hang out with him, and he also ended up getting a gf so that was complicated :|  . But yeah, he was my pan awakening. Ive done a lot of self reflection since then, talked to a lot of openly bi and pan friends, and learned yeah. Im super pan KMAO. idk. Thats my story ig! So if you are bi-curious and reading this and you think your straight and are told your straight, your super valid! if you are straight but you are intimidated by all these super flamboyant and sexy LGBTQ+ members tho, i will admit you are valid too, just dont try to awkwardly seduce a friend as a joke or they might actually catch feelings LMAO

storytime’s over! hope your days are well and shiny, been wanting to get that off my chest for AGES!