(TW: BLOOD) 3/2/2022

Today started off wild. I had to wake up early this morning to get my blood drawn and it was absolute chaos. I have vasovagal/neurocardiogenic syncope so I have to be laying down with my legs elevated when I get blood tests. I don't necessarily have trouble with needles or the sight of blood, I have piercings, tattoos, have had my fair share of injuries, and have no problem with injections. However, when it comes to the thought of a hollow needle being inserted into my vein and sucking out my blood, I internally cringe. I haven't passed out or had a seizure after a blood draw in years, most physicians have no problem with accommodating me. The only times I've lost consciousness and convulsed was at the hands of incompetent medical staff (not counting the first time I ever had a blood test). Today adds to the tally. My fiance watched in horror as the amateur who attempted to draw my blood today, stab me in the arm, totally missing my vein and either going under my skin or into the muscle, blood gushing everywhere except for the vial it was supposed to be going into. She proceeds to aggressively move the needle around inside me like she was going to find my vein that way. I wasn't aware of those specific details at the time, but after she took the needle out, I refused to let her try again. I knew where this was going. She kept insisting, going as far to gaslight me, literally saying, "It's all in your head." Like I've never had blood tests before. The last time someone tried to stick me twice, I started convulsing on the table. Like, yes, perhaps it is in my head, but how is saying that going to make me relax? Or better yet, how is saying that going to prevent you from making the same mistake twice? If other staff in the past had drawn my blood without problems, the issue was clearly with her, not me. She either had no idea what she was doing, didn't care, or both. While I kept asserting myself and telling her "no" my fiance got queasy and had to excuse himself. She finally backed off, adding some snide remarks. I kept laying there and by the time one of her co-workers came in I believed I was ready to sit up. But even her colleague looked appalled as soon as she walked in and pointed at all the blood on the table, asking what happened. She started sputtering some excuse then quickly tried to blame her co-worker when I chose to lay back down in case seeing the blood triggered a syncope episode. My fiance comes back, I manage to get myself together without looking at the puddle of blood and we walk to our car. Once inside, my fiance offered to tell me what he witnessed and I agreed. He described the details to me and I was disgusted. Disgusted with her and disgusted with the image in my head. I reclined in the passenger seat and I convinced him to do the same since I believed he had a pre-syncope episode when he had to leave the room. After a few minutes, we sat back up, but for me, it was a few minutes too soon. I felt it coming. I don't know exactly how to describe it when I'm about to pass out, but I know the feeling well enough that I know what comes next. I quickly reclined again and thought I was okay as I continued having a conversation with my fiance. Then all of a sudden I'm just staring at him. I knew we were in the middle of a conversation, but I couldn't speak, no matter how hard I tried and I felt completely disconnected from the world around me. It literally happened as I was saying a certain word and no matter how hard I tried to finish it, I wasn't in control of my voice, or even the rest of my body. Laying down, and seeing his face, is probably the only reason I didn't completely lose consciousness. Or at least I don't think I fully lost consciousness. When I finally broke myself free from it, he explained that my eyes rolled back in my head, I started convulsing, and I kept trying to speak, but all that came out was one part of a word I kept stuttering and slurring like a baby who didn't know how to speak. I still quiver when I think about it. Hell, I'm shivering like a chihuahua as I type this.