morbid talk

Been thinking about death and darkness. its a heavy life we live, and if im gonna think insanely i might as well talk it here. if you ignored the trigfer warning, this is your last chance to reconsider. i talk heavy. if your day will be ruined, please i beg look away. 

I think part of what happens after we die depends on what each of us individually truly believes. In a way, atleast. Kinda like a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you think your going to heaven, theres a good chance in my book that you will indeed go to heaven in your afterlife. Maybe you wont actually talk to the conciousnesses of your deseased relitives, but if you believe you are than in your personal world, where we all reside after we die, you will be and that will be the trurth. However, i also have my own view of what happens.

When i think aboit my own death, i see it as a wall. An infinate wall of obliteration, of nothing. Every shred of your being is gone for good, as the whole world you’ve percieved disappears with you. Perhaps for others life goes on, but the universe will appear as if it ends with you. Thats fucking scary! no one wants that, and you wont want that for the fraction of a second you still exist, if you are even aware of it. That leads me to my next point: time “after death”. You see, i think a lot of what happens is based on human perception, because when you die it will happen in a specific way for you, but ofc it looks ike your rotting corpse to the rest pf the world. not interesting at all. to sya that this all actually happens is false in my book, but when you are the inly person you can experience only your view matters. Anyways, back to what happens: as you stare down the wall of obliteration speeding your way at the speed of light, suddenly you notice it slowing down. Your human perception kicks in. in the last ditch event to spare yourself, you have a nigh eternity with yourself in the fraction of a fraction before time ends. in reality, it is an infinately small amount of time. but for you, it wont end. With infinates, really 3 things happen at once, because time ceases to be liminal anymore. For one, you are already “technically” dead, and practically an afterimage of your former conciousness. If real time followed in suit, youd likely be gone in the physical sense. Well, the second sense is present. Your time will feel infinate, although texhnically uou are infinately gone simultaniously. But it wont seem to happen, because of course you cannot percieve anything when uour conciousness is gone. Finally, it will have infinately not happened yet in the sense of you not existing in that time, aka being alive or before uou gained conciousness, and that doesnt count either because you were not aware of the impending anihalation. Thus, i kinda dub this space as the ultimate pocket dimention, for middle you about to die. This is technically purgatory! you do not get to enjoy the sweet embrace of life, or the sweet absolute of not existing! you grow old but stay in your same mental condition, in absolute agony of not being capable of percieving or knowing whats happening yet also being there. and having it be real. The real question is how much can the human brain keep up with this, and when wilk you reach a point in the devolution-infinate where your conciousness implodes and you get that sweet sleep? im not sure. Perhaps my guess of it stretching jnto an eternaty is not founded, and we will just be gone before our brain could construct that hell. We wont ever know until it happens. 

Which leads me to my point. There are 2 states any conciousness can be in: “existing” and “not existing”. sure, the knowledge of you can live on, but you as a mind will not. For life, you exist. I think that the way that life is structured and how our bodies implimeng pain as conforming to life’s purpose of continuing to survive, that the percievable “not existing” is eztreemly painful while being percieved! thus as a conciousness that is aware of life being a concept, we are drawn to avoid that not-existing even when we dont understand why. No matter if you are feelinf like nothing might be better than what you have, i think behind your conciousness people are physiologically coded to loath and detest death. and you will not enjoy it.