venting my thought process simplified

My brain is a little bit like a double edged sword. I kinda. Just ferment in it. I sit in my mental juices and sauté, just revel in my thinking. I grease my gears, then begin to think. Its a bit of mental strain. Its partially sub-concious, but definitely taxing. I’m not sure if my brain runs at speeds faster than given time, or if it runs at a slightly slower pace. When I think, I think deeply. I feel almost physically in my mind, I see and hear things a bit. Its almostdisorienting. I problemsolve, i analyze, i pick apart intricacies. Its a clockwork grind, and when I’m alone or in times of weakness I instinctively turn inward, often for the worse. 

I’ve been complimented with being “brilliant” or “creative”, yet sometimes that “out-of-the-box” thinking is more of a curse. I over-analyze, over-think, ostracize myself from those around me and scare people in my indifference. Its harder too because I dont really feel it. I dont have that personal attachment. I dont even notice. 

I dont know. In the sense of my own problems, I’m quiet, and hidden. Probably in both visibly and also giving off standoffish signals. I dont like help, especially when I need it. Thats not to say I’m not getting help or treatment rn, thats not true. I’m doing much better, but whats left hurts still. Funny how that is.

I have this cynical self-destructive view on a lot of things. Colors fade, rocks honed sharp, temperatures numb. Its poetic, and I wish I could describe it ptherwise, because the poeticism is part of why I dont take it seriously. My higher thinking sees this in a comical sense, and satirizes it. This delegitimizes it to others and myself in a very unproductive way. Heh, even this, I’m cutting into efficiancy and productivity. I think a little part of me still thinks theres a right way to live, a right way to keep moving. I havn’t come to terms with the fact that the pieces will always fall into place the same. And the best we can do is choose when they can.