Past days

I haven't been up to much lately so I haven't got much to write, but I really wanted to write something. Cause I haven't been feeling so great the past days. I think I'm just feeling kinda lonely and nostalgic, and it got me a bit depressed this weekend.

I used to have a bunch of friends as a kid in school, but then thanks to my paranoia I started hanging out with them less and less until I didn't really trust any friends anymore.

But then I started making online friends, they're far away and don't know my real name so there was nothing to be scared of. I really miss that time, I cared a lot about some of these friends. But then my paranoia and anxiety caught up with me I guess, and I slowly started blocking everyone cause I didn't think they still liked me or couldn't trust them anymore. I still have two of them on facebook, but chatting has become too difficult for me for a long time now. So we chat for 10 minutes maybe two times a year. I get so much anxiety that I stop responding and need months to try again.

Well, I guess usually I'm not very lonely. I just think friends just bring anxiety and stress, so I'm better off alone. But eventually I miss it again, try again and realize that I can't do it. That happened again this weekend, an old friend of mine said hi actually. I responded a full day later, we chatted for 5 minutes and then I pretended to have gotten busy with something. Just made me miss the times I could still talk.