Lonely but scared

I've got some conflicting feelings today, though they are not that uncommon. I don't really have many friends, and most days I am okay with that. But when it's been a while since I last talked to someone I do start to get lonely. Then I try and fail, and think I was way better off not talking to anyone again.

I've got a lot of anxiety you see. I just want to live a life that's not very stressful, and that means not much talking to not many people. The few friends I have know this, so they don't really talk to me unless I say something first. Because to them, I'm the guy that'll disappear for a few months or so cause I need some time. That's so ordinary that nobody asks me if I'm ok, they'll just ask how I've been when I say hi again.

But this is because I didn't always reply if they say hi. Because it's too scary, even with people I know. So I'm sure they must feel it's pointless to say hi first by now, since I might not be ready to talk.

Well, I guess the anxiety is a worse feeling than the loneliness, so it wins all the time. Sadly with periods of social isolation it only becomes more difficult to talk again, which is why I miss the past where I still tried a bit harder. Maybe that's how I got here, Myspace was where I had my friends back then.