sad boy hours

its not quiet here. There are people playing games, someone laughing, and the music from my headphones. But something. It feels a bit. Heavier? It reminds me of that which I've lost, that which I've found. I got a tarot reading by a friend recently... and I got The Hermit as the signifying card for me. Even the cards know I'm lonely. Its... its odd. Atleast, it feels odd to me. J feel like crying, but the tears they dont come. I'm reminded of the void I escaped... it stares back at me, smiling. Reminding me of when its tendrils clutched me in a deathgrip. The want for joy in my stomache reminds me that it isnt my owner anymore, yet it laughs knowing that no matter how hard I run, it will never be far. Like now, where I am right up against it. It.... the lonelyness. Real, feels palpable. Fought with a friend, I dont know why. She just said something that hurt me, so I left. I dont understand why i dont let myself be happy. I want to, but I wont let myself. Its funny, humorous.  I guess I dont understand a lot of things.