unwanted romance drama

To detail further my predicament, I gotta talk about my sexuality! Of which, well... I dont even know. I thought I was straight, but didn't understand what it meant to be gay or like anyone else than that mold I was taught. That was, until I met this one guy. He was a charmer, and I began to have a crush on him. Not that lusty sexual drive or stuff, just a magnetic butterflies-in-your-stomache where I just wanted to be around him and near him and talk to him. He turned out to be a dipshit and not available, but I was shook nonetheless. Did I like guys too? what did this mean? to this day, I still dont know. I like to think of my sexuality as ambiguous: i flirt without rhyme or reason casusally with those I find attractive and dont mind! its all just for fun, and I really like giving compliments lmao. Its cool to tell people how you feel, and if they get harmlessly flustered in a consentual way, it doesnt hurt anyone. I dont know who I like, and honestly could maybe call myself pan at the point I'm at? but i dont know still, so I'm letting it be unnamed. 

So. Last saturday. Day goes by, its sunday night! I'm tired, overworked, and finished 3 sodas. Little did I know, I was also sick, as that I would feel so nausious the next day that i'd have to come home from school. So lets just say I wasn't in my right mind all that much. My friend who broke up, love her but its plat for both of us, she made a new discord server and I got aquainted with a couple of her other friends I didnt know. Well, we spent time bonding over her ex being a jerk to her and sticking up for her to eachother lmao. And it was cool and great to get to know them a lil better. But this one dude, he stood out from the rest. We shared the same interests, the same hobbies. He was a bit shy but also a bit mature and witty, and his mystique is probably part of what drew me to him. Someone happened to bring up the topic of Valentines' Day in one of the channels. and believe me, I dont take drugs but I was prolly the closest to high outta my mind that I had ever been for a while now. It was like past midnight and the end of a really eventful weekend. The sickness and sodas mustn't of helped. But here I was, puruesing the channels of this server when I see some notifications in announcements. The dude I didnt really know but had chatted with enough to know his interests and style was talking about being lonely on valintines day, and saying he was desperate enough to take anyone. Now, I dont to mess with someone desperate. But I knew he was joking, but the single and lonely parts were true. So. I put on my big boy pants, mustered up some kind of crazy courage, and sent him a DM saying I saw his note and if he was interested to go to a cafe and maybe get a drink after school. He responded really quick, saying he was not ready for a relationship rn and his mental health couldn't take it. He apologized. Now, I have a lot of nervious friends, and to say that is pot calling kettle black. But i think of myself as somehow smooth, dispite that not being very true. So I managed to kinda save face while still explianing what I meant. I didnt want anythign heavy, and honestly I wasnt ready for a relationship either. Just looking to better know someone new, go on a date and have fun on Valentines Day. I meant it when I said it, but I guess I still had the guts cuz I added on the end, "offer still stands :)". Wow. Looking back... how the fuck did I type that?? Im like confident and extraverted but... thats a lot, even for me. I cringe a lil in nerves being that straightforward just thinking about it, so I cant believe in the moment I actually said it. The guy took a few moments. And then apologized again, saying he misread that. Which i said was ok. And then he said he had something after school and wouldn't be able to. Which I said ok to as well. Rejection taken. 

And yet... this interaction... it made the rest of my day. Hell, a week later and I'm still riding that high. Going into it, i expected to feel like shit if it went south. But honestly? i was fuckign proud of myself for doing that hard thing and shooting my shoot even tho it missed, twice in rapid succession. I tried my best, and even tho i didn't get the guy I felt successful in showing that maybe sometime I could, if I had the right person. I had another friend outside the frinedgroup I talked to, adn she further cemented this, embolstering my good feelings. I also didn't really resent the guy; I liked the fact he said he didn't feel ready, and talked respectfully. I felt like although it was unlikely he would ever be interested again due to awkwardness, maybe in some world he could know that I might think of him like that cuz I asked him out and we could still be friends, or perhaps I'd get a second chance. He was a nice guy afterall, and I wouldn't midn being his friend even if i couldnt score that date. So with a happy outlook, I continued on witb the group. In the back of my mind though. I remembered something.

My friend from the breakup. She had told me soemthing jokingly earlier that day. She said not to flirt with her friends in passing, and although it was a joke my anxiety urged me to think perhaps there was a reason why, or that she really did care and I was betraying her in some way. Sadly, I'd already asked the guy out, so i thought the harm was already done. He said no, so now it wouldn't have to be weird. Perhaps I could even tell her and apologize! yeah, thats what I thought...

But. I never ended up doing that in the next couple of days. I think it was in part because I was sick the next day and forgot amidst chaos, and partially cuz I'd lost a phone charger and couldnt check/send messages for a couple days. when I returned, I actually got to meet the guy irl after school, albiet breifly. He was cute. I kept my cool, said hi, and he kinda shyed away and ran off. I knew it., I'd scared him off. Oh well. Dissapointing, but if anything I felt bad for making him uncomfortable. 

And yet. Over the next couple of days, I got more introduced to him. We interacted online more, and he went back to as if before I'd asked him out. We chatted and talked in public, and I enjoyed his company! he was a sweetheart, and honestly I was content to just enjoy his presence. It wasn't exactly a crush, but the more I got to know him the more it started to become one. 

And then. I started to see it a bit, in his mannerisms. He was a bit more confidant around me, complimented me a bit, was nice to be around and seemed to enjoy my company. I even went on a few calls with him, and it was really nice and fun. I didn't let myself get my hopes up, I tried to stay cool. After school one day, I had this really weird encounter with my broken-up friend where she got prickly and defensive when I complimented out-loud his pleasantness to be around. She pretended she didn't lash out and tried to cover it up, but I noticed. Strange, and giving me an inkling of nerves, but I kept it in the background. I started to see him say nice things about me when I wasnt there too. Not a lot of stuff, just a little. Bare in mind this is all happening kinda fast, over the course of a week. I dont even know why this felt so fast-paced. Perhaps it is all in my head, but then my friend who owned the server said taht he was talking nice about me in private text. And i let myself dream. I let myself think, maybe, maybe he is still interested, or perhaps is ccurious, or maybe he wants to get to know me too. Maybe he'll give me a shot, ask me out in the future, or just stay close and let me be around him. I hoped so. 

Today, I went to dinner with some friends for fun. It was the first time I'd done so in forever, and partially a big deal because February vacation where I am starts after school today and we wanted to celebrate. So we ate out, had our jolly good time. And then when we hung out, she was there too, and I forgot about him for a bit. Until she started talking about him excitedly. And then it fell into place. And I asked her. If she had a crush on him. I hoped not. But of course she did. Of course she liked him. My lonely friend, the one I loved platonically like a sister, the one I trusted, the one who asked me not to flirt with her friends, the one who had just been through a breakup. And I fucked it up, asked the ONE friend that she also liked out before I knew against her wishes, and let myself get a crush on him. Fuck. I didnt know what to do. Internally i felt like shit. I dont like drama, and I love my friend. I dont wanna play middle man, or if he actually does like me I dont wanna break my friend's heart, especially not after that breakup. I felt terrible. 

Eventually I went on a call with her. And him. Later that night, there were other people too. It was the first time I was with both of em after learning. I was nerveous, but things stayed the same. I kinda flirt with him a bit, but he flirts with me and I think it was cool... or i guess I thought so. But fuck. I felt so shitty. I didnt wanna give up my crush... but my friend. She noticed. She noticed from a while back that I flirted with him. She'd known, and she probably told me to get me to stop flirting with him. I knew she hadn't told him yet, and didn't think he knew. but then she asked. She dmed me, asked me why I was still flirting with him when I knew she liked him. 

And it all kinda. Fell apart. I told her I asked him out a while ago, that it was before I knew but I was really sorry and I knew it wasn't what she wanted and that he said no. She said it was fine, that I didnt have to apologize, that she was joking. I knew she wasnt. I know my friend. I'd hurt her. I told her its not ok, that I went against her judgement, that I betrayed her trust, that I knew that and that I was really sorry. She's offline now, and has been for the last hour that its taken me to type this. She went offline after I told her that last part. I feel really bad. I dont even know if he really likes me or is just being nice, we havnt tqalked about it to eachother.... no hell we havnt even talked privately since. Always someone else there.... at least one other perosn. So I dont even know if he likes me back... I dont even know if its ok to still wish he does. If anyone has advice or thoughts and was willing to read this fractured rant, id love for you to leave a comment. Thanks, have a good night