long week

its been an insanely long week. we had monday off bc of the burst pipe in the B wing, and its been half days all week but im fucking exhausted. i cant handle it. GMCs were yesterday, and for whatever reason it took SEVEN FUCKING HOURS. WHY. and the meet today got moved AGAIN. extending the season AGAIN. im so tired. and im still angry. im so fucking angry all the time now and i hate it. i try to calm down and lower my blood pressure but i feel rage in my fucking heart all the time. im gonna delete the blog about my friends. i feel differently. for the 1500th time ive changed my mind. we might not be perfect but they love me and ill take what i can get when i can get it. im so angry that there are so many people who have never even looked me in the eyes once and they have some idea about me because angel fucking quindes told them im a slut. i hope he has a very very fun time in hell because i did NOTHING to him. nothing. yeah the relationship sucked but we were 14 and we had no idea what we were doing. you dont have to be a genius to not tell people you think im a whore. he had to let everybody and their mom know just how much he fucking hated me even though all i did was love him the only way my stupid ass 14 year old self knew how. why would he do that to me? why would isabelle do that to me? i always say when something is normal you forget how much it fucking sucks and WOW does it suck. i didnt deserve that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need to journal. hope and ethan went to the mall yesterday and she saw kim and ish together. not wearing masks bc of course they werent. i feel like that just adds salt to the wound, you know? after everything ish did to me, OF COURSE shes bffs with kim now. of course she is. i can guarantee they make fun of me. i could not give less of a shit about kim but you know ish still hurts my feelings. after everything i did for you why must you insist on belittling me. what the fuck did i do to you. and i hate to have a woe is me attitude because lord knows i have layers and layers of guilt for every last terrible decision ive made in the past 17 years. it just sucks. i hate highschool. im so angry at things like that and so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sad that im officially halfway done with senior year and my best friend is moving 4 hours away to go to ithaca and i wont be able to see her everyday and we'll both be too busy to talk. i dont want to be forgotten. we had senior practice on wednesday. laila and izzy are the only other seniors who will hold eye contact with me, but the second we're all together, im invisible. its not a good feeling. sure, they all like me and talk to me when they want me to take a picture of them, but thats about it. so many people in my grade just wont look at me and maybe its always been like that and im only hyper aware of it now bc of angel, but it does not feel good. ive been feeling inadequate. i dont really know why, but im sure itll fade. ive been feeling funny, but also generally hopeless. i saw a tweet of someone saying something general about doing stand-up all throughout their twenties, and it scared me. i dont know if that person wanted a career out of it, and they werent even saying theyve done standup for so long was a bad thing. but it scared me. i dont want to do standup for ten years. i think the only way i can survive the rest of my life is making myself believe that i AM special and i AM different and i DO have things to offer that others dont. i wont make it if i dont believe it