Just when you think things are getting better...

Things always like to take a turn for the worst. I thought I was past a lot of past trauma but I guess I faked being okay a little too well and even convinced myself. It's hard not to sit and dwell a lot of the time but for the most part I'm too busy to even focus on myself. When I do have the time.. I don't make the effort I should. Slow progress is still progress but what do you do when you're stuck in a cycle where everything becomes too much to handle. 

You always hear stories about people finally being able to push past all the negativity and it does give you hope. But after the news I've received last night I'm sort of thrown off. I feel like a lot of what I know is a lie or that I try so hard to see the good in people that I forget the bad. Even if there is no "bad" it sucks to see how he's affected other people and made them do things they would never have done. I'm still trying to process what happened in the first place years ago and looking for some sort of closure. I don't think I'd ever be able to find it. That kinda sucks.

A part of me wants to talk about it and get it off my chest but I feel like I shouldn't put that burden on anyone because no one will truly be able to say anything that would make me feel better. I also don't want to put anyone in that position. I wouldn't even know what to say if someone came to me about this. I guess it's time to start looking for a therapist again because I can feel the manic episodes getting worse and the way I'm starting to treat those around me is not acceptable. I just want to be happy.. but what does happiness even look like to me. How can I find something that I know nothing of.