venting :(

I'm not good anymore I'm not good anymore I'm not

I don't feel anything about anyone anymore. I feel like I'm acting in front of my family and friends and work people. When I'm upset it feels like I'm playing a character that people will feel sorry for.

I don't know if I'm suffering or not. I don't know if I want to be alone or not.

I've been more afraid of dying than usual. Probably because I've been living in my little hidey hole while people have died a room over. I'm really scared my eating disorder is gonna give me heart problems. I'm so scared of that but I still don't want to eat most of the day.

It feels hard to relate to the parts of my life where I was happier and freer. I don't know if that's true, actually. I can just go outside now but I don't do even that as much as I used to.

I spent a lot of time the last two months being sad about my childhood but it doesn't matter anymore. No one can save 10 year old or 13 year old or whatever me.

I can't be successful or normal. It's too easy to be a failure. It's too easy to lie here and fester and wait until I don't exist anymore. But so far it hasn't stopped. It keeps going over and over and I get older and stupider and more worthless and less marketable or sexy or whatever and it doesn't stop.