Entry #041 - Quit Using Me

I can feel the stress welling up within myself like I'm an overfilled water balloon that's moments away from bursting. Work has been chaotic, but that's not even on the top of my list of stressors. 

My primary source of stress is my dysfunctional social life, and my repeating pattern of befriending people who do not value me on any genuine level... which is an achy lesson to learn, over and over again. 

I try to keep the mindset that I can maintain friendships with deeply flawed and problematic people because nobody is perfect. However, I think the real issue is my apparent inability to hold boundaries or recognize when I am being taken advantage of. Don't get me wrong — I do have authentic, reciprocal friendships with folks who feel like family to me. But lately I've been finding myself getting too involved with people who wear me like an accessory, or they simply keep me around because I'm generous with my money. When you're the only person in the local alternative-LGBT-leftist-activist social circle who's not financially destitute, people notice and they latch onto that. They're probably not even doing it consciously, but it's still shitty and it gets old. Zacko's the guy with gas money, local connections, etc. He'll pay for your drinks or event tickets or whatever the fuck.

I get invited and strung along because of what I am and what I have, and not who I am. There's a difference, but I'm learning that not everyone cares or notices. I've done a lot of work to outgrow the old version of myself who believed I had to be useful in order to be valued. That shit gets OLD. How about spending time with me because you're invested in my wellbeing, my interests, or my life in general? It straight up feels narcissistic to talk about myself this way, but I swear that's just how my "friends" have been treating me recently. I'm tired of being used, so I'm taking a massive step back. 

There's a "Goth Night" metal/punk show happening tonight that I was expected to be at, but I'd rather stay home and recover from an exhausting work week. I don't want to go out and buy people drinks and mingle with a bunch of superficial pricks downtown. I did that shit when I was a young party animal but I'm fucking tired now. Tired of a lot of things.