Screening 05

Ultimately im scared of happiness, the one that comes packaged within a human. I dont understand people i like. or more so i dont understand me around those people. i think i become a little less predictable, and that i have built for so long. I have 2 contrarian thoughts 

1- how to love someone so much platonically and want to consume them whole without dating, whats the next step? this is a problem i face often. I never want to date them in a million years, but whats the next step with my uncontainable love? where do i go with it,what do i do with it .

2- i think i channel it to fear. my phases after this very emotion and that very closeness is to feel physically repulsed by this person, to still have the want to see them but to be sad in it, to feel alone in it , and the only way to subside it is to give myself a week a week where my fears are rested.

How do i come around to be kind to myself, with no fear.

i skipped my therapy yesterday. i keep doing it. and i am no good without it ive noticed. not good at all.