Having friends is so fucking useless.

Okay.. that sounds harsh. I should give an intro first..

Ever since I attened school, starting from kindergarten, I've always been alone. I'd be that little kid who sit by myself and cry while other kids walk pass me. I did things alone, until I changed school with my brother. People were very kind to me I thought that it must be what having friends felt like. But then they just said "We're no longer friends", I didn't really care much. I still interacted with other kids, but they didn't seem to like me.Sometimes they even taught me to play alone, to the point where I thought that they put more effort in making me play alone than playing with me.

In elementary grade, I still didn't have any. The girls would either use me or sexually assult me, the boys were worse, they'd pretend to play with me all the time just because they all had crushes on me. And then after graduating elementary school, they'd confess, so yeah I left middle school with no friend. 

However, during 5th grade I got to befriended with two girls from my class. They argued all the time because one of them would always feel "abandoned" as the other girl spent time with me more. The fight went back and forth until they eventually abandoned me instead, but I never said anything. I never complained, but I started to think..

"Is having friend this problematic?"

In high school, I didn't quite get along much but still managed to get along with a lot of people. Many junior year students I've made connection with, and others from different classes. 

I'm graduating high school and I still don't really have any "friend". Sure I may have relationships with lots of people except my classmates, but I don't.. really care for them. I don't talk to them after school. I think hanging out after school is a waste of time and resources. But I just smile and wave at them.

It's so.. stupid. They are ALL stupid. Science said that we, humans, are social animal.. but I don't think I am. I guess that's why those people are always so dependant. They need to be with other people, they need to be together, they always need something. They've never been alone.. never been left out.. never been abandoned.

Everytime I'm with people, I question deeply "Why am I doing this?". 

People are so fucking evil and unintelligent.

Maybe because of my thinking, I have a personal belief that every existence on Earth should die, including myself. On the bright side, it makes me more calm about someone passing. 

Anyways, mom and brother are worried if I'd make friends in university, my dad is more worried about me being left out. And here I am not caring for a single thing.

Sure I may or may not have DID, I'm too paranoid to admit em to my psychaitrist but lately I just got diagnosed with Depression and PTSD. 

You may think it's because I have my family and it makes me care about them more than having friends. Bad news, I don't have any relationship with both sides of the family. I don't really care about them anyway.

It could be that because I have a lot of time alone, I tend to think about a lot of things and try to question about things as much as possible to kill time. But it all makes sense to me. I don't get why people need friends when they know things will end between them or that it may be a prison for them. Why do we always become dependant on things we've never had just because we have it now?

I might be paranoid too. I don't know if the people who talk to me want something from or or just want to have sex with me because I match their fantasies. It's kinda weird to think about but unfortunately it's 100% true and based on experinece. It feels like most people just wanna be your lover but nobody wants to be your friend. Like- They don't wanna fuck with you but they want to FUCK you. Why?????

Most of the time with I'm with people, I can't even be myself. Why do I always have to be the one that let them be themselves if they can't hande mine. It's all fake and shitty lies.

For me, having friends is a waste of time, energy, and it's also just bringing more problem to your life. It sounds rude, but it's true. I really wanna tell people tho.. that getting along doesn't make us friends. I value the word "friend" a lot, but sadly most people don't.

Friends should be people you trust, and feel safe to hang out with.. NOT someone you just met and talked for a few times. It takes connection to befriend somebody. So yeah, I've given up.

I've given up on finding friends. Actually I've stopped finding friends, but still had little bit of hope to have some. But now I just fully give up. Like- fuck it. 

I don't know why shit tons of people act like it's the end of the world when I tell them that I don't have any friend. 

"Oh dear.. I'm sorry about that." It's not your fault gng it's MY desicion.

Yes, I love solitude, I love being alone. But I'm not lonely.

I've never felt lonely.

I'm not my myself. I've never been.

I'm with myself. That's why I'm never lonely, but I'm always alone.

Thank you for reading this silly rant blog.

Wanna be friends? Just kidding, absolutely fucking no.