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!! TW: TALKS OF PHYSICAL/EMOTIONAL ABUSE !!
8/10/2026
3:36 PM
a lot has been on my mind lately. a lot has also been happening. i know i keep saying it over and over but i mean it !! things never seem to stop or slow down. sometimes i feel like i can't catch up with time and it's running away from me on purpose. as if it doesn't want me to catch it, you know?
i really don't have the energy to go into much, but i've both lost a relationship and gained one. i stopped talking to my cousin due to personal conflicts (really don't want to get into it at the moment) and my little sister finally reached out after being forced to cut contact with me because of my grandparents. she made a secret instagram account and got a hold of me that way. we've been talking a bit the past few days. i missed her a lot. i really thought she'd never reach out and we'd live separate lives.
we were able to clear a lot of things up together. she was fed a lot of lies by my grandmother. told that i ran away and didn't say goodbye to her because i simply didn't care. i was kicked out and told i wasn't allowed to talk to my siblings ever again. she seemed to understand that she was lied to and admitted she had an inkling that it wasn't true. unfortunately, it seems as though the abuse was passed down to her once i left. when i was young, most of my grandmother's anger was targeted towards me. she often hit me, punched, pulled my hair, scratched and would occasionally use a wooden spoon to beat me. she would sit me down and scream at me for hours, forcing me to sit and listen to her call my family and talk bad about me while i sat silently. she would talk to the people in our church about how i made her so sad and how i was so evil and mean to her, how i always fought her and made her life hell. then we'd go home and the cycle would repeat. more beating and yelling. my sister has been having to deal with that now that i'm not there.
it makes me feel incredibly guilty. i'm aware that i couldn't do much and god knows i tried but i still feel guilty. i should have been there. before i left i took the brunt of the abuse. my grandmother would often go after my sister but i would do my best to steer her anger onto me instead. i really did try. now i feel helpless because i'm not there. my sister doesn't seem angry with me though. more angry at our grandmother for being who she is.
after we had a long talk over the phone about what i mentioned above, we hung up and it really got me thinking. my grandmother (and grandfather but not as much) really, truly, didn't like me. they didn't love me. i was just some person living in their house. they couldn't leave me in foster care, that would reflect badly on them. they would look bad. evil, even, for adopting two siblings but leaving the third and the oldest to fend for themself. they knew it would look bad so they took me in, but they never wanted to make me think they wanted me. not for a second.
i'm going to be very raw and blunt right now. my grandmother is a bipolar, narcissistic and deeply unsettling woman. she scares me. i'm 22 years old and she scares me still. she made it clear that i was not wanted and i never would be. i truly hope that when she is on her death bed, she'll call me to apologize just so i can say i don't forgive her. she had years to make it up to me. years to call and apologize and ask to be in my life again. but she doesn't, because she believes she did no wrong.
my grandmother kicking me out of the house and telling me i could never come back was the best thing that ever happened to me. now i am in a home where i am reminded every day that i am loved and wanted. i am constantly reminded that my feelings matter and that i will always be loved and respected in this house. thank you to my fiance, nathan, and his wonderful parents who are the mother and father i didn't know i needed.
i'm sorry for the VERY long diary entry today. a lot has been on my mind. as you can tell. if you got this far, thank you.
- alex
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Spikes
I'm so sorry :(
I wouldn't say or situations are similar, as much as they care comparable, but from my experience the best thing you can do is know that the actions of others are not your fault. You aren't a bad person for leaving your sister there. Sometimes the sad truth is that there is really nothing you can do.
It was my mother for me, she would lose her mind over nothing things and that would lead to hitting and screaming in my face (guess who has hearing loss in their right ear now :P). When she finally moved out, which was entirely her decision, she convinced everyone we know that I (a 15 year old) had bullied her and tortured her mentally and that I kicked her out. She even tried to convince people that I was brain washing my siblings and turning them against her, but they were just fed up with her abuse and finally started to stand up for themselves. Towards the end she slept with the door locked because she quote, "was scared of what I would do to her". Now she's remarried and has another daughter. She's only nine and has even worse mental problems than I did growing up. I know that she is getting treated the same as I did, and I feel like I can't say anything because I still depend on my mother financially, she pays for my health insurance, and helps us afford groceries so we can eat something other than beans three times a week. Ans she's also under some illusion that we're ""friends"" now, and I don't want to know what happens if that bubble were to burst. I'm not in a position where I can move away from her.
Getting caught up in the feeling of "this is all my fault" will completely ruin you. Sometimes the hardest decision to make is what's best for you, and you only. It feels awful to be so selfish, but you can't always help everyone.
coachgenghis
jesus christ. i'm glad you could find people who care for you, you're really strong for making it through that
thank you, that means a lot !! lately i've been thinking a lot about my past when i really should be focusing on the present. that's what matters. i think i just needed to write it out.
by ☆ alex; ; Report