let me go, i don't want to be saved

i'm scared, and i'm done. i'm done with everything, its all too heavy. Too much, too loud. I cant find a way to deal.

i'm scared because i hate the unknown, i know not what lies ahead, i didnt plan for this. I didnt plan for it all to get this far into the future. Im scared, im unsure. I am all of these things and yet i live on, and i dont think i want to anymore. Ive made my peace with physical pain, ive made peace with death and all that it means. I understand i would be selfish if i died intentionally. I understand the upset it would cause, and it put me off dying for a while- i dont think i can bring myself to care anymore. 

Truly what is keeping me here? Everyone eventually moves on or learns how to deal. But i dont know how to handle the cards i got dealt in this life. I’m the one who feels too sorry for themselves to cope. I’m the defective, the outsider. 

So i should go.

Leave.

Makes everything easier for everyone in the long run.

i dont need to be reliant. Nothing keeps me tethered to this world, and i’ve wanted out for far too long now.

i think ive finally made peace with that fact that i wouldn’t mind dying.

i really don’t.

apathy conquers rationality.

i don't want to talk, i'm doubting anyone's willing to listen, whether they care or wait for their turn to speak. i don't need a therapist, i can't be convinced of another chance- i was always dead-set on decisions when i was young anyway.

still, i'm too much of a coward to do anything this stupid.

doesn't mean i'll be deterred from trying.

goodnight, rest easy. pay attention to the stars, they're especially bright these days.