Im so confused with myself omfg

I'm a gyaru, I enjoy being a gyaru 

but I think I have the mindset of a Jirai kei...

I even attempted to do a jirai kei look today and I can't help but think that it fits me..
I dont wanna change from gyaru to jirai. 
it's just...I'm a pessimist. There are time my thoughts will took over my perspective that it will lead me to isolate and not know how to socially talk to someone without crying because I feel so pathetic. It also feels like there are 2 persons in my body, one that is honestly happy and the other one that I think I should get check by a therapist, but I can't cause my parents won't take me seriously and will tell me that I'm doing fine and I'm just being dramatic, I'm still a minor so I can't get check on my own 
man idk how I'm still here.