07/13/26

have you ever been so busy and overwhelmed that you haven't been able to do basic things? that's sort of the position i've been in lately. i've even started this blog about 3 separate times in the past few weeks because of it.

i've been overworked, definitely. a staff shortage mixed with one of the busiest weeks at my job made for a very horrible experience. i barely ate, drank, or slept during that entire time. i definitely cried while at the office, and i have no shame because a girl was TIRED!

i wanted to write about something for a while now, but obviously didn't have the time until now. i've been really bothered about it, and didn't want to put any more time or energy into it but i think the fact that i'm still ruminating is proof enough that it needs extra processing time.

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i am tired of being your friend. truthfully, i gave up on it a long time ago. i know that sounds horrible, but i think it's more than justified. i used to think that you were just growing up, but we've both been grown and your behaviour hasn't done anything but worsen. here's what i've experienced:

- i helped you out of a toxic relationship in many ways. financially, emotionally, etc. i spent about a thousand dollars of my own money for university ON YOU with no questions asked. i never pried about what you needed it for, even when i knew about your then-partner's choices. i have never gotten any acknowledgement for it, or any offer to pay me back. i wasn't looking for my money back honestly, but i wish i was appreciated for giving so much. i was a student and i barely had anything.

- when you became a missing person, i went through every route looking for you online, texting you and your trash ex and anyone in the area you went missing in. i sucked up to your ex too, because he cut anyone out of your life that didn't speak positively about him. i know how "here's all i've done for you, how dare you" this sounds so far, but. it's been exhausting.

- we didn't used to text a lot. despite that, we were so close to each other. but the moment you escaped that relationship, i tried to reach out more and communicate. we went to outings together and had a lot of fun, and bonded as if nothing had changed. all of a sudden, you didn't text anymore. my messages were left on delivered for months on end. you only texted me when you needed something, and i felt used. 

- you told me, proudly, that your mother thought i was a bad influence. mind you, i felt nothing but anger hearing that. i knew that you used me for lies to your family so that you could claim you were doing something they wouldn't shame. i knew that you lied about the substances you used, and i knew you were lying to the guys you were seeing. it makes me feel gross thinking about it now. i shouldn't have let you alter my morals for your gain.

- when you came back from rehab, it was like you were a completely different person. of course, you went to a religious rehab so i shouldn't be surprised. you treated me like an "other". at the graduation, you barely talked to me or spoke to me, and i thought i was imagining it for the longest time. now, i think that the religious group "othered" me and told you to do the same. sometimes i honestly wonder if that's where our "official" downfall started. what's worse is that, if you had become christian again and communicated that your morals had shifted, i would have supported you 100%. i would have listened to any boundary you set. instead, i was shut out without any explanation. despite all of that, i still tried to make a connection. i was so proud of you for your rehabilitation.

- the last straw for me would definitely have been the anniversary of my sister's death. you told me that you thought of her as a sister, and that you would always be there to support me. on that day this year, you texted me asking me if my mother was home, so you could give her a hug. you didn't offer any words whatsoever to me, just wanted to get information from me. i knew i was done then. i can't fathom how two people that used to be attached at the hip can just exist as strangers like this.

there's probably a lot of other things that i missed, and maybe i'll add them on as i think of them. but for now, i'm just letting go of these past things and mourning a friendship that lasted for twenty years. i've witnessed old vices and patterns that you displayed before going to rehab too. maybe part of me is wondering if it's just another elaborate lie. i've felt used, degraded, ignored, and so much more for so long. i'm tired of receiving this treatment, tired of showing up and not being "showed up for", and i'm tired of feeling less-than you because of where you decided to take your life. i have deserved better for a long time.