Entry #039 - Turbulence

Trigger Warning: mentions of sexual assault

I guess the combination of world events, personal life events, and the unpredictable transformation of my psyche have contributed to my absence from blogging. My last entry was uploaded in October of 2025. It is now July of 2026. 

So much can happen in half a year. I used to overshare in the moment that things were happening in my life. At least now I wait a few months until it's no longer fresh, and I've had adequate time to reflect and process. Unfortunately, I will not share as much as I want because I have 3–4 stalkers who keep their noses buried deep in my business. The less they know, the better. 

► I've raised my bar so incredibly high when it comes to the standards I keep for friendships. If you don't meet my standards, then you don't get access to me. Plain and simple. My time is valuable and my energy is equally valuable and limited. I've cut contact with a number of people, and I would do it again without hesitation.

► I've spent a lot of time and money fixing up my house and my adjacent art studio. The exhausting effort has been worth it. 

► I'm switching roles at work again, but it's something bigger and better. I enjoy my current role and I'm very good at what I do, but I could feel that it's time to step out of my comfort zone and embrace the change. My supervisor was incredibly supportive, so I feel optimistic about the changes coming my way.

► My little baby cat is all grown up. He's healthy, he's intelligent, and he has so much personality packed into his small frame. He also has an attitude. When he's frustrated about something, he'll leap onto his cat wheel and sprint at full speed to release that energy, like blowing off steam at the gym. 

► I went to a pride event in June, and it was the first time I had gone to anything like that in close to ten years. My perspective has changed in those years, and I was disappointed at how vibrantly obvious the "rainbow capitalism" was. I wonder if it has gotten worse in the past decade, or if it was always like this and I simply never picked up on it before. 

► In reflection of pride month, I've claimed the identity of Demiboy (or Demimale / Demiguy) and I use the pronouns He & They interchangeably. My gender identity has been a journey ever since I first came out as queer in 2013. It has fluctuated a lot, but right now the demiguy experience feels correct. My next area of reflection is to possibly figure out whether I am still truly bisexual, or if pansexual is more correct, or if I'm on a sort of demi spectrum due to my SA trauma that I can't seem to move past. (My cismale ex-husband raped me during our relationship and also raped a teenage female coworker of his, hence the divorce 2 years ago.) Trauma lives in the central nervous system, and it takes a specific kind of therapy to work through it. 

► I've stuck to my goal of reading more books throughout 2026. This morning I just finished reading Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts, and I am recommending it to everyone who enjoys adventure. It's a page-turner for sure. 

► I've been dedicated to my volunteering and mutual aid efforts, and I've made some really cool friends because of it. My social life is finally blossoming now that I've found a way to surround myself with like-minded activists.

A lot more happened, specifically in the beginning of this year during the timeframe of the Epstein files being released, but some things are too private to blog about I suppose. But I am still making the most of each day as they come and go.

I have goals and plans that are in the works, but I'll keep it to myself until the time comes.