heartless girl

I kind of hope you're seeing this because I didn't really mean it when I said fuck you. But then again I want you being freed with the Jaws of Life. 

I might be a little evil. 

I might have commitment issues. I might have lost my only chance to keep a past love in my life. 

But it’s too late. I already sent the email. I already vented about it. People already know how I feel about her. I’d be a hypocrite. I’m not a hypocrite.

I don’t think I’m that bad. I’m nice, kind, genuine. I’m not out to get anyone. I don’t truly hate any person in the world. It’s just a word I use in place of “dislike”, so people understand the difference. I’m pure. I’m full of grace. I’m a baby compared to the amount of years I have left. 

I’m capable of love. I have the ability to fall so deep into the vast ocean that is a human’s soul. I can swim, and I can document. I can remember. I can yearn. I have all the criteria it takes to be a perfect lover.

Except for longevity. 

She sent me an email on Saturday. Asking to be friends again. I was horrified. And I felt as mixed as my morning coffee. I wish she never did that, because if she didn’t, I wouldn’t be here questioning if I’m the bad one and if I’m a good person. 

But we can’t all be good, right? People can be gray. Nuance is a concept. Maybe I’m just more dark gray, I don’t know. Not even God can judge me. Maybe I need therapy again. We were never good friends. There was no bond before or after we dated. Our bridge was built from our hearts and devotion. I burned that bridge all the way to South Carolina. I don’t even wanna remember what I wrote.

I’m only regretting it because a friend thought it was wrong to wish ill on her. It is, I think. They think it’s because “she was nice”, and yeah, she was. But there’s a point where being nice isn’t enough. She would be so loving and kind, and she loved me despite my flaws. She was going to marry me. She wanted to be at my prom. But it was all lies. Within two months after our breakup she already had what she thought was a crush. At least, it was strong enough where she talked about it, and I knew. I think I stopped having that attraction to her a couple months before our breakup. Hell, even earlier than that probably. 

And it was nothing she did. I wish it was. I wish she was evil, I wish she was as cruel as my father and did something so awful, so horrendous and disgusting so I can rationalize why I ever decided to leave the only person that ever loved me, even if it was unconventional. Even if people saw it as strange that I was dating a girl across the country. Even if we never touched, never went on dates, never even told our families about each other. I think it was love. But I will lie, I will lie to my new friends and I will lie to the old ones and paint her as a doormat, as someone who had no substance to bring and was annoyingly obsessed. I will amplify her strange habits and make fun of her academic skills in order to make myself to be the diva, the girl who was too good for that loser and was justified in leaving her one random summer day, just two months after our two year anniversary.

I will mention her name next to words such as “dumb, stupid, cringe, unoriginal, headache,”  and “mistake”, but there was a time when it was neighbor to “I love you”. When those three words were ones that I never lied through. 

Even when I get the chance to have her in my life, it would never be the same. I already think of her negatively, and when I even try to imagine her in a positive light I begin to not feel real. I will continue to push her away even after our love ended, because what is she here for if not to provide me hope? She had a purpose, she was my escape. But I don’t need rescuing, I don’t need someone to be my hope. I learned to be on my own, I always have been. Those two years and two months showed me not to count on anyone for the long run because one day I will get sick of them, I will grow to hate them and it is better for me to recognize it early before I break their heart and see the true me. Maybe I am evil. But nobody will discover that if I never let them in. So keeping them away is keeping them safe.