If you imagine what your pain looks like, what would you visualize?

I imagine that my pain looks exactly like me. Exhausted, Miserable and Lost. 

Always making themselves smaller for the pleasure of other people's ego while it takes the impact of its consequences of being insulted. Then when everything's done they get upset with themselves why they let anyone push them easily like a rag doll. 

From my mum's words, it was intentional she raised me to be sensitive, to be empathetic to other people. However no one really knows how miserable this has made me. 

I always see myself as smaller than other people. I always wanted to be the bigger person, I want the attention, the attention of awe not pity. 

Numbness on my chest 

it crawls up to my lungs and to my throat and I cry it out. Silently. No one needs to know that I'm feeling this way except to people who don't know me personally. 

I feel more safe expressing my feelings through fashion and my journal entries.

Today, I planned to write a post about “The more life disappoints me, the more I express it in the way I dress”. By this, I meant that I chose to have a colorful palette when it came to my clothing. However the more I grew up, the more I became familiar with monotone colours. Monotoned colors but the style is so bold that I won't blend in with society. 

10 years old, I was obsessed with unicorns, so by default, my clothes were full of color. Now? Mostly black, white and gray, I only have color clothes as a “pop of color” theme.

I'm getting off topic. 

Numbness, where did you come from? 

Me? I came from the envious feeling that suffocated your whole life as a child. The more you grow up, that envy grows alongside and becomes more mute and subtle. However you don't feel envy towards anyone anymore, instead it now grows frustrated with yourself. Piling myself with a lot of negative emotions leading us to become a pessimist but with a lot of bottled up feelings that end up popping on a random night, crying your heart out, hiding from everyone and silencing our own pleas of help to anyone, even God. 

You learn to always be disappointed in yourself because you believe that you have no worth. You are useless and you have nothing to contribute to society. 

And still now while writing this, you believe you are worthless. Let's both be honest nothing will change your mind cause you have already bathed in the consequences that will probably be labeled as generational trauma with the title of being the crybaby and easy to pick on from your childhood. 

You want to have friends, you do have friends, but you have no social knowledge how to keep in touch so you keep it to yourself instead. 

I am alone and always will be. 

I research on the internet why I'm feeling like this. The results I get? Numbness? It's a shield. A shield from too much negative thoughts or in some other cases, also involves trauma. 

Feeling empty is a feeling I'm familiar with. I don't know if anyone can relate to it…but I have to be honest, writing this. Made me feel lighter. 

Writing my feelings out always made me feel better. A great coping mechanism that I unconsciously developed myself for when I was in 6th grade. Now I'm in my last year of senior high, school is right around the corner and I hope life will give me more lemons than apples to actually grow myself. I want the feeling to be strong and someone to be relied on. It will take time, but I hope it's worth it.

How about you? 

what would your pain look like?