love letter to how much i wish we were never "friends"

it was my birthday a week ago today; i spent it completely alone. you had a party (hanging out not at my house, for the first time ever). there you made your choice and fucking bled me to death with it. 

i left initially because of all the things your abusive and controlling "boyf" sent me - all the times - that can easily be classed as emotional abuse (i have talked to many people about this, including a therapist, and they all genuinely agree). i was fully, fully being serious when i said i'm completely terrified of him, and you now (and everyone else). it still baffles me to think that instead of being an inch concerned when i finally opened up about how close to the edge i am. he laughed and mocked me for it. (yes, i could not be less "jealous" of your cringey, repulsive relationship)(i never called it "repulsive" before but now i have, in writing. verum quod. eat your heart out, you sick fuck.) 

i sincerely do not understand how you can see that and think its even slightly okay, so okay that you didn't just "pick him", you abandoned me, then shoved a knife of pure, unbridled cruelty through the back that broke to make you happy. 

you know what. reliving it is not even slightly worth it, even if it's in a trial of your humanity that you are definitely not walking away from without metal clinking at your wrists (i can relate) 

"the person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger" (i will not miss missing you) 

only now am i willing to admit that after all that happened, i regret you. not leaving sooner. being alone (i have not even one friend, unless you count a hotline) is infinitely better then any amount of time spent in your presence. 

all the good stuff has gone sour-er then the bile in my throat when i think of you. 

with the final things, i was so overwhelmed and confused and hurt and dying that i made myself look pathetic (i am). but at least i'm not an abusive piece of shit, right? or/and a group of emotionally neglectful "friends" (actually a vile joke to even allude to you being friends to me. ever.) 

everything that reminds me of u makes me want to tear my insides apart. i hate it. so many things are tainted with this. out damned spot. 

of course. none of what i say matters. you will never see this. thisisjuststupidfuckingtherapytomyselfbecauseimtraumatised. 

so long and goodnight. "bury me in memory" these are nearly my famous last words but i'll make it. i just need to keep on reminding myself that i honest to fucking god did nothing wrong. stop burning bridges and drive off of them, so i can forget about you (metaphorically, i don't want you to die like you want me to). i hope every birthday you think about me and how i'm the best you'll never have. 

now, i'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me 

take your taste back

peel back your skin

and try to forget how it feels inside - 

but it will get the job done, and you're

done... 

(what's done, is done)(what's done cannot be undone). 

- mikey aka 'monster'

"best friends - ex-friends till the end"