i started sertraline

i started sertraline a few weeks ago. my doctor thought itd be good because its used for depression, anxiety, and ocd. three in one. so far i havent noticed much, except that i dont want to eat as much, and even though im always tired i cant sleep at all. i already have trouble sleeping but now i think its worse. when i do sleep, i have been having insane dreams. much more than usual.

i had a dream that my parents were sucked into a conveyor belt underwater, and i watched helplessly while they disappeared into it and the water started turning red and organs and viscera started violently flying everywhere. then i fell into the water screaming, and i couldnt breathe but not because of the water. i just couldnt get any air in, and i was flailing and kicking. it was like that one episode of happy tree friends, where the raccoon gets thrown off the rollercoaster into the spinning rod thing and it tears him into pieces.

i had another dream that i saw my online friend (who i actually got to meet in person earlier this month) and when i tried to talk to her, she was completely disgusted by me. she and her friends kept laughing and side eyeing me, and everything i did or said made them even more weirded out. it was so uncomfortable and realistic, and i felt so embarrassed. i kept thinking that i should just not be alive. i went to a closet and found a neck tie that was hanging from the ceiling so i started trying to tie it into a knot, but my fingers were too big and i kept getting them stuck in the tie.

last night i had a dream that i was going to hang out with my best friend. when i saw her she was acting weird like she was mad at me, so i asked what was wrong and she said she was angry with me because we hadnt hung out all week. i was trying to explain that finals were coming up and i didnt have time to hang out, and she called me a pathetic narcissist. for some reason, when she said that i just started screaming. and i couldnt stop screaming. we were inside a grocery store and everyone was staring at me but i couldnt stop. everything got too intense, all of the shadows were so dark and the light got dim and everything looked red. she started screaming too and i was so out of breath but i couldnt stop. i started sinking into the floor. i flinched myself awake and i was sweating so much and it felt like id been holding my breath the whole dream.

Despite this, i havent noticed any changes to my mood. i probably need to give it a few more weeks. i was feeling very suicidal yesterday, but sometimes i just have days like that so im not sure if thats caused by the medication or not. i hear suicidal ideation is a common side effect. im hoping these dreams will go away soon and i will be able to sleep again.

last week, i moved out of my house. i live in a trailer now in the woods on my parents property. they said i can stay here as long as i want. i have three cats in my trailer with me. i really enjoy living on my own, but i think it might be making me feel depressed as well. i wake up at 9am and get ready for the day and drive to college. i go to class and then i come home. i usually lay in my bed. ill often times turn on the tv and play a random youtube video so i have something else to think about. if i sit there for too long without it, i start to go bad places. i feel like im just constantly trying to distract myself.

after starting sertraline, i do feel generally disinterested in anything. ive barely even gotten my homework in these last few weeks. i dont know if that part is related to the medication though, or if im just in one of those phases again.

ive been trying to convince myself to eat more. ive never told any doctors and its only something I've admitted recently, but I absolutely struggle with disordered eating. i dont think its something i need to tell a doctor though. i always eat eventually. ive passed out a few times from not eating, ive been to the ER one time because of that. after the ER trip, ive gotten it under better control so that doesnt happen again. the iv sucked, and everyone was mad at me. its not super intentional, i just kind of forget to eat. and when i remember, i think about how heavy i feel when i eat and i think ill just do it when i really have to. so i wait and try not to think about it. its usually dehydration that gets me. thats why i ended up in the ER last time. i was super dehydrated and lost consciousness. apparently, i was shaking on the floor and when i started to talk again, i wasnt making sense. i dont really remember much from it, except lying with my head in my sisters lap and crying while my parents were yelling at each other about whether or not to call an ambulance. i was so weak and couldnt stand or move on my own, or id pass out again. my dad carried me to the car and drove me himself. that was around 6 months ago. my mom had been keeping a close eye on me since then, but now that im living on my own, she cant really do that.

i still think about my old best friend a lot. especially now that im not in my house anymore, and since i can drive and have a car. i feel like that issue of us living so far apart could be remedied a bit. maybe she could stay the night with me or something. thatd make the total of like 3 or 4 hours driving back and forth much more worth it, i think.

she blocked me again a while back. i get it. i blocked her too, but not because im angry. i just dont want her to have to see these if she does decide to unblock me. i think it makes her just as sad as it makes me. i guess theres that out of the way. all things considered, i could reach out again. i dont think i should though. itd probably end how it always seems to. i am way too mentally ill. i dont understand why we dont work together, but we never have. and we had very different views of how friendships should work, too. not to mention, i think itd be hard to just be friends now, but i dont think i could handle anything else. especially not with her. i already get so in my head about her and weve never been more than just friends. i guess there was a bit where the line was a little blurred, but nothing official.

i dont know. im so impatient. i think i just need to give everything more time. the fact that i still feel so intensely, i think that means that i need more time to let it settle. i dont think its normal or good to feel like that about someone. i need to give this medication time as well. maybe itll be good for me. maybe the dreams will leave and ill finally get some sleep. i have a follow up appointment in june. i guess my doctor will know what to do. im just trying to get through these last few weeks of college, and try not think too hard about how my whole summer is gonna be spent working and taking more classes.

im a real adult now. these are my last few months as a teenager before i turn 20. thats so insane to me. i actually have to start getting my shit together.