coming to terms

i think i’m finally able to admit to myself that i’m not over what went on between us. i’m definitely over you, because i’ve been able to grow and understand that i deserve better than the bare minimum, and i needed a lot more support than i was given at the time of my sister’s death. but the way i handled it all is what makes me feel so stuck on it. 

i get upset when i see your big fat lifted truck drive past me, or when i run into you and your new girlfriend at the grocery store and i hide from you. 

the entire situation makes me feel worthless. even if i understand why i reacted in that way and why i entered into addiction and depression. i think i need to find a way to make my own closure. you left me over snapchat, and texted me while i was drunk with friends. you moved on quickly. these should have been signs to me to find my own closure instead of waiting for you to provide it. it probably would have aided in lessening my excessive alcohol consumption, or at least it would’ve gotten me into therapy sooner.

how do you move on from that? from planning your life with someone to losing your family and sinking into addiction. even if you’re better now, even if you have a successful career and so many healthy, loving connections with others. even if you’ve been going to therapy for years and you haven’t relapsed. what do you do?

[edit] none of this should take away from my experiences with you. i still witnessed you lie to me about multiple things, and i experienced you leaving me alone at a dangerous place while i was heavily intoxicated. i still never got very personal clothing items back from you when you left. i only received the heartfelt gifts back like the painting i made. i can't just accept that it was only one of us that messed up, and blame you entirely when i'm angry/blame myself when i'm depressed. we both caused the end. [edit]