A Note

Hey, do you think that maybe life isn't made for everyone? Don't you agree with me that life is cruel and unfair? 

As unfair as it is, keep pushing--live the life that keeps getting denied to you because everyone has the right to live up to the purpose that they purely desire. Never give up on the goals that will set you free and heal you from your wounds. Keep fighting for not just your right to live, but for the same right for others. Understand how unfair life is to prove to others that there is a chance for a steady time despite life's cheap tricks.

I believe whole-heartedly that everyone is worthy of living.

So why can't I believe the same for me? Why do I feel doomed to let go of a life that was just at my fingertips?

I was so close. I know that I could've been great. I see the potential I have. But the doubt in me is what's pulling me down to my death. I doubted my right to deserve that life that I dreamt for almost every night. 

That same doubt held onto me tightly into what killed me. The comfort of delusion and self-hatred is what killed me. I killed me. 

What can I say to those who I let down?

It's funny. I know I let so many people down, yet I don't know a single person I can be true to. I don't know a soul who would let me into their arms the same way deceit let me into theirs. I don't know a friend who I could reach out to the same way my fate reached out to me. I don't know an adult who would whisper reassurance into my ear the same way delusion did for me. I don't know anyone asides from the hatred I have for myself. 

In 9 months I will disappear completely.

The hope I would've had for myself will look pathetic compared to the smallest organism on this earth. The dreams that I prayed to reach will never come.

It's my fault for hating myself.

im so sorry to everyone I love. I'm so sorry to everyone I let down. im so sorry to the other life I ruined along with mine.