I feel as if I might have vanished

I am not quite sure where this is going to go. I am sitting in the living room at my parents' place as I'm writing this, inhaling cigarette smoke, listening to the ambiance which is comprised of telephone sounds, the AC unit of the store right outside the window, and the TV quietly playing movies.

I decided against going to the graduation anniversary party because I do not feel like spending more money on an outfit and getting my ass over to the other side of the country and losing an entire weekend on travel just to see some people whom I only wanted to see because of feelings of nostalgia for a time when I was doing less bad than I'm doing now. Not worth the time or money. After all, I bought tickets for a convention in June and would like to save some money, should I decide to build some sort of haphazard cosplay or buy some merchandise.

But, I've been doing poorly, I think. Mind's been in the state where it's been going haywire and switching between appearing to be good despite feeling bad and just outright feeling bad. Today was especially bad- one of those days where I have to go out in public and am sensitive to the point where just being looked at by someone on the street will cause horns to burst right out of my skull. Intrusive thought after intrusive thought occurred to me, but at some point one must stop and ask themselves if those thoughts are even intrusive or if they've just become natural.

My brain is just itching for self-destruction and isolation. It's like no matter what I do, no matter what I try to distract myself and to enrich myself and make myself feel better or do better or be better, my brain just doesn't work. The really grim thoughts persist and I can't tell if the silence and anger caused by them are a cry for help or a good thing. The line between reasonable and unreasonable is a blur. Permanently immobile. Nothing matters, there is nothing I want to do, there is nothing I want to put effort into. Everything looks like it leads back to the state in which I'd rather not be at all. No matter what path I take in life, I feel the same.

It will be my ruin, I'm sure of it. Part of me is fine with the idea of hurting what little people I care even a little bit about. Part of me feels bad about it.

I feel bad for being this way, but I'm also angry at all those who do and who would dare to scold me for being this way. I'm full of hate and anger. I'm angry all the time. I'm tired all the time. I dread the future. I dreaded growing up and grow up I did and I hate it. I hate it.

There are brief moments of clarity here and there, but I am never quite sure if that clarity is real or not. A moment of stability, a moment where my head is not overrun with bad thoughts. I have a big ego, I like to show off. I feel good when I get recognition and attention because otherwise I feel invisible. I like feedback. No feedback is bad. Bad feedback, as in, half-assed or thoughtless comments, is bad, too. It is unrealistic to expect constant feedback and constant positivity but I still feel bad without it. Eyes burn. I want attention, always.

I have been feeling cripplingly lonely and isolated despite being around people more often than I was in the past. Every interaction with another human being has lately been very fleeting and unmemorable. Life feels like it's just cycles of going to sleep and waking up and waiting to go back to sleep. I wish my body was capable of staying asleep for longer so I could be unconscious for longer.

Dopamine is supposed to be good. The chase is supposed to be feel good. But it doesn't. I feel as unfulfilled as I always have. There is a hole in my head and another in my chest. Do I even have a head. I'm a broody bitch as per usual.

Am I still cool or loveable or a fun person? Doubt it. Haha. It's funny how this always happens around very important dates in my life. Interesting.