hiatus

oh boy, is it good to be back

i took a hiatus. i didn't intend on being gone for too long, but it happened.

what happened? my mental health tanked (again) and i ended up being out of work for a little over a month and a half, through February into mid-March. the plan was to seek some sort of program to get into to readjust, but there were several factors contributing to my not getting into any program at all. i decided to double down on AA meetings. i consulted with a psychiatrist who convinced me to get back on my psych meds (which i stopped taking some time between September and November of 2025) and we switched one of them out.

i said i wanted to feel the full range of my emotions, and i got what i asked for. this new med has stabilized me in a way i didn't think was possible. i have had ups and downs, but i've been grateful for them rather than feeling like the lows were permanent and the highs were fleeting.

here's a relevant example:

a few weeks ago i was spinning out over a crush, a crush of all things! and i called a friend of mine. at first i was lashing out at myself, angry and frustrated; then i began to cry; and that's when i started laughing. "what's going on?" he said, to which i responded, "i asked for this!"

i think to an outside observer i might have looked insane or something, but it was exactly what i needed to remind me that i could feel the breadth of my anger, the depth of my sadness, and the full scope of my happiness, within minutes. and for that, i have no choice but to be grateful.

i've been angry in months past. i've written blogs about my anger, but it's always been with a giant asterisk: i wasn't feeling my anger. i was just processing it in short bursts. the anger always turned into this neutral feeling, which made me sad, turning back into the neutral feeling. i hated it and i became apathetic and disconnected. i didn't feel like myself.

i didn't feel like myself.

i am not feeling perfect feelings, but i am perfectly feeling my feelings. that's way more than i expected. and all it took was for me to ask a doctor for help instead of... *checks notes* ...playing doctor myself. what a dummy!

so i feel better. and i feel, better. that's such an improvement.

i'm happy to be here. i'm content. i've got more gratitude than i've ever had before.

here's the moral of the story:

i'm not a doctor, and i'm certainly not my doctor.

i ought to just be who i am. and now i feel like i get to be.

what an absolute treasure this is.

expect me to pick up the blog again. i don't have a strict routine with it but i'll get back to posting like i was for months. and i'll return to YouTube. and, eventually, i'll get back to music too.

if you've stuck around for awhile, i appreciate your support and your patience.

i'm so fucking glad to be back!