Despair

I don't really have much of a will to live anymore. I'm 15 and I just keep getting older and older. Collage can't guarantee me a stable job anymore. I'm not going to end it cuz I have too many friends who care about me. It would be selfish to take my life. There is also the fear of failing and living with a chronic illness. That would be worse than where I am now. I think the fear of failing is keeping me alive greater than the guilt of leaving my friends. I dont really know what to do anymore. I mean im going to try to keep going in school. I will also go outside to try and keep from zoochosis. But I dont really have a reason for living anymore. I just push along as an empty shell of a person. I hope my humor comes back I cant laugh at anything anymore. I know I'll have to work soon. I cant wait to work my job so my boss can fulfill their hopes and dreams. I mean at least I'm trying, I guess. I think I will deactivate my tik Tok account. Nothing good can come from shortform content. I think ill just stick with YouTube from now on. I used to want to figure out things about the people at the top and rebell but most of the people who figure stuff out end up getting slimed out or permanently disabled. Maybe if I weren't hyper aware id be happy. Thats the end of my despair talk for now. I hope you guys aren't doing bad. #eatsleepreproducethendie