My re-entry

I brought so many journals and notebooks and sketchbooks with me on this trip. I wanted to write down EVERYTHING. But I just can't. I know I'll forget things, and I'll be sad about it later, but I just hate recounting my days. It feels like a waste. I already know it, so who am I writing it for? I know it's for my future self, but I don't want to write anything down with a specific viewer in mind. I'm not writing FOR anyone, not even my future self. That's boring and uninteresting to me.

I could have been journaling other things, but I don't even know what I would say. Yeah, maybe a lot has changed, but also maybe not? Growth has occured, no doubt, but I don't find it to be particularly interesting growth. It's just the normal, expected stuff like some confidence and social skills and all-around adaptability. Those are great things to have honed, but not really very noteworthy. What else has changed? I don't really know. 

I think I've decided I won't do grad school right after graduation. I think I wanna try to find a job for a year or two at least in NOLA or in a big city like Chicago or Seattle or something. Go somewhere big and new. And I feel like I could do it alone or not, but I also know it's going to be hard to go anywhere if Cxxx, Kxxx, and Sxxx are all together and I'm not there. That was the hardest thing this year, and I have no desire to do that again. I guess besides the first things and the school/career clarity that's the other thing I've learned about myself. I really, really love my people, as much as they irk me from time to time. I missed them a lot. It was FOMO but it was also just real true strong love and a wish to be with them. They make me feel like me. No one else can. 

I have a lot of clarity on dating and hookups too - I won't second-guess myself anymore. I'm more confident. I'm excited to go home and get settled and be social again and see what new friendships and relationships and adventures await.

I guess this whole thing really has just made me feel more sure of where I am and who I am. I see how confused so many of my fellow ETAs are about their direction and what they want to do after this, and I feel lucky that I have a place I know I want to be, with people I know I can depend on and that will be in my life for a very long time, and that I know what I want to do with my school and career, at least for the most part. Yes, I feel very lucky indeed. And I've discovered I really do like myself. I love myself, in fact.

Maybe that's why I can't journal much. Journaling is more interesting when there's something to complain about. When I'm agonizing over something. But I generally try to avoid agony these days, pretty successfully, too, I'd say. And gratitude journaling isn't my thing - that shit's just LAME, mane!!!!

I guess my only complaint right now is my family stuff. But it's not new. My brother is checked out and selfish, but I can blame it on his age and situation. he's blameless. My mom is overworked and underappreciated. She stresses everyone out but it's because she HAS to. If she bears all the stress on her own she'll collapse. My dad makes her feel guilty when she tries to enjoy herself. He yells at both of them and manipulates them and calls them names. He gets confused, which makes him scared, which makes him angry, which makes him say unforgivable shit to and about my mom and my brother. Several times, my mom and I have both said to each other or to close confidants that we wish he would die. It would be so much easier if he were dead. She can't leave him, because that would be cruel - he can't take care of himself, whether he'd ever admit that or not. But thats why he won't ever leave either. He's juuuust too sound of mind to put him in a home, and that's cruel too anyways. If he dies, everyone would be free, and guiltless. But I hear how that sounds, and I know when that day comes I'll regret ever thinking/saying it. And I'll feel evil and soulless and guilty for the rest of my life. But right now it feels so true. Mom thinks so too. My brother thinks it's cruel but he also can't sympathize with my mom in the same way. He doesn't see how hard it really is. He's not a woman. He never will.

Anyways, that's basicallllllly it. I've been drinking heavily and binge eating often, because there's nothing else to do. I've been reading, although not as much recently. Maybe that would help. I need to start painting and drawing now while I can, because why not. I think I lie to myself when I call myself an artist. An artist who never creates - what does that make me... Boring. A liar. I keep trying to make music on GarageBand, but I'm definitely not a musician. My music is... goofy. IDK how else to put it. I have a goofy sound. I can't help it. I guess a goof is what I am.

My bottle of Smirnoff just arrived. I should have bought another can of Sprite, but I'll have to make 2 stretch. I was going to make myself a bottle to go and catch a movie at the closest mall, or maybe the furthest one so I could enjoy the ride, but now I think it's too late. So maybe I'll try to make antoher song or I'll finally paint something again. Ughhhhhhh idk. I'm not as creative as I like to tell myself. But I guess it just takes practice, doesn't it. OK peace out for now.