Journal #69

I've lost my best friend. 

One week ago today my cat, Baby, got terribly ill. She had been struggling for a while with kitty dementia and bladder issues and the bladder issues got so terrible I had to to nurse her in my bathroom. She became too frail to walk. I took care of her the best I possibly could, but it wasn't enough. Her body started shutting down on her and I had to make the worst decision I've ever made in my life. 

She lived to be seventeen years old and what a wonderful seventeen years she's given me. I miss her so dearly it hurts. It just hurts. I remember the day my dad brought her home. She was a tiny thing at only three days old. He'd been working late into the early morning and while backing up his truck, he noticed a small, dark shape in the rearview mirror. It was a blind and deaf, squirming little kitten. I was only four and a half when we got her and we've spent our entire lives together. She always kept me company and comforted me in times of need. She was my best friend. No matter what happened, I had her and now she's gone. 

Boyfriend's been busy out of state, I think he just got back home today, but if he has he hasn't said anything to me directly. My long distance online friend spoke to me though for the first time in ages, but she's stopped talking to me already. Everyone says the same thing though. "It's okay." It's not though, I just pretend for everyone's sake that this doesn't weigh so heavy on me. I think of her all of the time though and I try to find whatever comfort I can in my other kitties. My other cat, Maisy, ran away the day Baby died. She just left to go outside the evening before and she hasn't come back. She's never been away for this long, so I'm a little worried. She's a sweet cat though so someone might've taken her in. I really don't have anyone to emotionally rely on. Baby was that comfort for me. It's been difficult just being in my room because if I stop whatever I'm distracting myself with, I just realize she's not keeping me company in my bed anymore and for the first time it really is just me alone in my room. 

When we buried her, she sent me a sign, so I believe on a spiritual level she's still with me. She has to be. About twelve years ago, a year or so after we moved into this house, my parents frosted over their windows and stenciled in a little cat stretching before a hummingbird. That room became my bedroom about three years ago and is on the window directly next to my bed. When we buried Baby, a little hummingbird flew down right above me and my sister's heads. I think she sent me a sign that she's always going to be near me. I miss her so much. 

It's been a struggle processing all this, truthfully. Especially since no one's reached out to me about it. I feel like I have no one to lean on and that's really been the hardest part. The people I rely on were no where to be found when I needed them after I've tried my best to be there for everyone when they need it. I prefer to be alone these days and I try to visit her grave whenever I can. When the weather warms, I'll bring her some flowers, let her know I've missed her. 

I don't know if I'll ever really be okay. She was my soul cat. She was my everything. We grew up together and both of us got old in the blink of an eye. It's hurts me and frustrates me to think one day, I will have spent more of my life without her than with her. I would trade one thousand tomorrows if it meant I could spend one more day with her, healthy and happy, keeping each other company in my room. I miss her nearness and her sweetness the most. 

This is, without a doubt, the worst year of my life. You could show me nothing that could redeem it. I could become a millionaire and it wouldn't mean a damn thing to me. I just miss her so much. I've lost my best friend and oldest companion. I'm alone, truly, for the first time in my life.