I hate and I love being Gay.

I have a crush on this one girl, I've been thinking for weeks if I should confess to her, it's been 7 months, I had a crush the moment we sang together to Idol by Yoasobi at her house, we were the only ones singing cause our other classmates didn't really know the song. She's a chill person, and I love giving stuff to her, I gave her stickers, a papercraft figure of her favorite character, and I think a keychain of her other favorite character in valentines lol, tho in valentines I gave gifts to her other friends who were also my friends cause I didn't wanna be obvious and get teased at. anyways, she's gay too yippie...she like's a different person, not me ehe, when I found out, the night of that day, I had a dream of her confessing to me then I woke up and cried cause it was just a dream, I even wrote in my notes on what she said to me in that dream lol. I tried to not like her as a crush after that, it did work but after seeing her again and talking to her again in chats, I just can't help it...I really wanna confess but I don't wanna ruin my friendship with her cause all confession leads to rejection in my way hahaha (last time I confessed to my first girl crush, she's straight but accepted my feelings, still like her, as a friend now tho) and if by any miracle she does requited my feelings, I don't wanna hurt her in the process cause there's no denying that my family is a wholesome clot of homophobics, and there's a big possibility I will be hiding her away from my family (except my close cousins) and yk what that comes to any person who miraculously becomes my partner...My whole family are..uhm judgmental, idk if I'm the one in the wrong here for thinking of their feelings first instead of mine, but it's hard cause I'm gay and if I come out they'll be like "oh you're not, stop joking around, wait till you're older" 

Honestly, I've been planning to come out to my parents and confess to her... but I don't wanna end up disowned and heartbroken at the same time, so maybe I'll just grow up find a man that fits my standards and drown at the thought that I wasn't able to confess to her cause I was being a pussy- 

ok calm down... 

I prayed about this last night and cried (cried as in with snot dripping and eyes swelling because of my tears)

When I pray on my own, I like to think God just listens, I really had no one last night, all of my friends are busy with their own lives, I don't want to be a burden. After praying, my chest and soul feel light, so light that I was able to sleep early last night, early as 7/8 pm, idk what exact time cause I stopped using my phone cause me and the person I have a crush on were chatting and I'm trying to not like her more than I like her and distracted myself by playing sudoku puzzles.

I cant lie.. I feel like if anyone is reading this...I just felt like I wasted your time haha, well all I said in those paragraphs are true but like those no outcome cause I havent done anything to fix it and prolly will never be, I wanna hold on to this while slowly deteriorating myself in the process cuase that's just the right thing, and it's a part of my life, maybe I'll let go, maybe not, just sweet old teen angst