Unlovable piece of shit

Oh, how wonderful that people around me are falling in love with each other. It makes me smile, yet, deeply inside of my heart, I wonder what is so wrong with me that I cannot be loveable easily as others are doing so.

Is it because I was molested as a child? Is it because I had to go through abusive relationships, where I was beaten up until I started to lose my breath, seeing my own blood? Is it because I feel love so deeply that it scares off? Is it because I want to be with a person forever and ever, like in fairytale? Is it because I oversexualized myself so much to just feel loved? Is it because my csam is still there on Internet, deeply inside of it? Is it because I've always been told I'm fat and ugly?

...

Stop it. Too many questions.

And yet. 

...

If a God exists, I want to pray to them. No, I don't want to pray to them to have a love of my life, but to get rid of my desire to be loved. If I am that much unlovable, please, take from me the desire to be loved. And even if it's a curse, it's not nice of you. Don't do that to anyone ever again. 

I don't know why I still keep being hopeful, no, more like naive, that someone will truly love me. Someone who will want to understand me, someone who will listen to my yappings, someone who will give me a little pebble stone like a pinguins do... Is it so much to ask for a someone, who will truly love me, deeply and passionately, knowing all my weak sides and scars and still staying with me, like I am capable of? 

Or am I... Only one who's like that?

I don't want to think about it.

I don't want to think about that I'm unlovable piece of shit.