Getting ready to feel empty on my 20th

I'm gonna go out with my partner, and we'll probably just chill the evening. I also have online plans since many friends reside there instead of irl. 

There's nothing wrong with those plans, i just always wanted a really interesting and crazy birthday. I didn't have friends to invite to my sweet 16th, neither did i have any for my 18th, i have friends now, i just can't get my life together enough where i would feel ok seeing them.

Birthdays are expensive too, especially when you want something elaborate, which isn't even what i want, i don't know what i want even. Honestly a lot of my friends don't really like celebrating anything, it's a lot of energy to actually go somewhere and do stuff and be social. I don't even know if i have true close friends (irl). I have a handful of people i consider close, i just don't know how they would get along. 

(ok i'm gonna put a little fact check here, i did have a good 19th, it was clown themed and i had a lot of fun with the prep work, especially because i had an excuse to bake stuff, and i made really cute clown cupcakes)

I'm with kitkat during the main day, and i bring food to the club meeting the next monday to celebrate with the friends there. And then i scheme and plan for a more epic 21st birthday.

And hopefully i will be happy, maybe i'll post about it too, but probably not.

Another really emo post, depression is kicking my ass :')

I just have this fear of being neglected, that no one i gonna remember or wish me a happy birthday. Call me attention starved, but i get really happy when people just remember important things about me or when they say stuff like "i was hoping you'd be here" and "this reminded me of you" Or when people tell me i'm doing a good job, or that i make them happy. That's the most miserable part about this, i can't give people anything in return for that attention.