I don't think i'm getting a happy ending

Starting to come to terms with the fact that there probably isn't anything for me after all. I wish there was something, anything really. But i'm not happy with anything, it's like i've always been miserable, i can experience good feelings but the foundation is rotten. 

I'm probably just having a bad day or something, but thinking about going on with this feels miserable and it's definitely more trouble than it's worth. Because to be actually recognized as a person you kinda have to be able to do things. 

It's so stupid how you assume you're gonna make it, especially when you're a kid, you had skills and you liked people, you liked yourself and your family and friends, and now you can't stand any of them. 

You can't imagine liking doing anything at all anymore. Every good thing feels like an unrealistic and naive daydream.

I really wish i could change how stuff is, my dad keeps telling me that you can't and it is what it is. Mom yelled at me for actually listening to him, maybe i should talk to her more often, but she isn't really the super radical change type of person. I don't really talk to either tbh, both are such quitters, idiots that are okay with anything, although mom does atleast go to protests and donates blood like i do. Idk if dad has ever actually done anything good, he always talks about stuff and says nice things, but it really depends on the day if the stuff he says is cruel or nice. Honestly i should probably just stick to talking to my older friends instead, they know what's up. My flat mood is probably because i haven't been going to the meetings.

Looking at this again, now i feel embarrassed about writing this. Idk :(

This is an observable thing that i do, i have an emotional outburst and then i just quit it. Especially alone when there's no one egging me on or anything, i literally might start crying out of nowhere, and then 5 minutes later i just call it quits and do something else. I get tired/bored, which sounds horrifying, but i have no other description for how it goes.

It's just: *deep emotional distress* "ok i'm done, that's enough of that"

?????

It's funny now that i think about it, honestly making me feel a bit better thinking about how ridiculous it would look to someone seeing it.

I think i'm just gonna do something else now, i got options.

Also really important, i am not dangerously suicidal. (just passively) I have been cleared by a professional, i just have a lot of really horrible thoughts, and when i say them out loud it does obviously cause concern. Me saying that i don't think that i will have a happy ending is not a definitive knowledge that it's how my life will play out, but more of a fear that i have. Not an unreasonable one either, my life is kinda fucked atm, but we win these.