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π―ππππππ πππππ, Β
ππππ ππππ ππππππππ ππ ππππ?!Β
πΎπΌππ΄π― π²π¬πΈπ°πΎΒ ! !
Today has been better than most of this week so far. My depression room is getting out of hand, so I'll have to clean that today. But hey, yesterday Max and I spent a good chunk of time together, he always makes me happy. I just wish we could see each otherΒ irl though. Really hug. Well, at the very least we'll both be at the age where we can drive soon. That probationaryΒ licenseΒ is gonna be a bitch though. Going all the way through driver's ed just to be just as restricted as I would be if I didn't take it. For the people that do decide to read my blogs (If you even exist, lmao.) sorry that they're mostly just ramblings about personal shit. but I guess if you're already reading the ramblings of a madwoman then you wouldn't care. whatever. I just have so many people that I want to see, want to be around, but I can't because this damned country is too fucking big. I wanna be with max. I want to hang out with the bitches from NC. they're all so much cooler than the people in god forsakenΒ Indiana. I hate it here. I feel so alone all of the time in my own home because half the people there I don't even consider my family. Why did my dad have to be such a jackass??? my mom had dreams. dreams that are too far from reach because I exist. She could have been a paleontologist! digging up dino bones n shit! it's what she went to college for! But nope. One big accident with some fuckboy with a guitar, rockstar dreams, a band, and a severe drinking habit, and all of that is down the drain. 15 years later he's still chasing those stupid dreams in a town that doesn't have the flow for it. The only people in this damned state with any redeeming qualities are my three sisters (who are from 2 different women, thanks dad. jackass.) and my brother in law. even worse, I don't even live near any of them! they live in a completely different part of the state! I wish I could see them more. but of course, the youngest of the three live with my dad and the eldest two have their own lives to deal with. The few friends I have made over the years that have stuck with me, we were all doing great! I have my first period class with her, but the one time I DID get to see everyone else, lunch, was ripped away from me from the schedule changes that came with the new semester. It's just lonely. I have this human urge to love and nurture that I just can't fucking turn off. My want to spread laughter and joy is fucking pinched out at every opportunityΒ the universe gets. And that makes me scared. What if something happens and I lose contact with the NC gang?? What if I lose Max??? I'm just scared all of the time. of losing people. people that I care deeply about. I already feel so disconnected from my own family, and I don't want that to happen with my friends. god. I should probably be sharing these things with my therapist, not spacehey. well atleast this is a good place to write everything down so I remember it aha.Β
And to my friends. My real friends. If you see this and manage to get all the way through it, or even if you just skip through and see this at the end, know that I love you guys more than anything. I will make the trip to NC and TennesseeΒ someday, asap.Β
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> [ CANTA -
HELLO WHAT THE FUCK WE LOVE YOU TOO??? i cant wait to finally see you in person and you never need to worry about losing us bro, weβre gonna stick around for fuckin ever (have fun w that)
i hope you can find an outlet and people to talk to in person, i know itβs hard not having anyone to hang around at school n feeling stifled because of it. and good luck on the room, cleaning is So much fun. find ur fuckin phone already too (if you havenβt yet)!! we all miss having u around online all the time and i swear to god we will hang out in person as soon as possible
DE Navarro
Nice to read your take on things.
I love the purple on black color scheme, but honestly it is so hard to read. It messes with my eyes. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to complain. I really want to read your blog posts, but I'll have to read them slowly and take breaks for my eyes to keep working.
Alumbus
Heh. I managed to say things were doing better and then immediately managed to post the longest, most heavy vent post I have ever posted. well, I guess the day itself has been better than the rest of this week has been.