#15 - LDShadowLady did not say that...

Last week, I had the weirdest dream. Ldshadowlady and (her now husband) smallishbeans were at some kind of convention. Like Vidcon I guess. I'm going to describe it like I'm the cameraman of this dream. 'cause i am. The whole thing was tinted blue-green like the Twilight movies. She was in the walkway of these two houses and it weirdly resembled my old neighbors' house. There is another guy whispering to a group of other youtubers. It turns out that there is a rumor starting that LDshadowlady said something racist, but she doesn't seem to worried about it? idk if it was because she didn't know about the rumor or because she didn't actually say anything bad. I get weird little snippets of what I have always imagined Vidcon to be like... those beige fabric walls and hard carpet floor. it gives me the same queasy feeling that the original backrooms level used to give me. office buildings make me dizzy. something about it is sad. it gives me the sensation of something being really wrong. but it's also kind of exciting in that way. if you have seen severance... those office rooms give me the same feeling.

I enter the dream and my family is hosting a party in this big venue, the building has a lot of windows. they're all tinted minus the first floor. I'm walking out to help move chairs around and i'm accompanied by this girl who i was in a group project with (irl) in my communications class last year. she was, and still is, really intimidating to me. i could talk about her drama and the rumors surrounding her but she is in short a mean girl. except a very specific kind because i am at a majority latino school and latina mean girls are. just different. white girls are nothing in comparison. unless they're like racist i guess. i don't have experience with that. i am sensitive anyways but i am telling you mexicans are evil. as a mexican.

She was making comments about how my family is rich, gesturing to all the party favors and the hundreds of plastic chairs... trying to push my buttons or something. two things to note here: i am not rich in real life (at ALL. working class wsp). then also, she has a lot of family issues so being mean to others who don't is a coping mechanism in my brain. i don't know how i feel about my dream's characterization of her. my main basis is my experiences with my cousin who also grew up with a really difficult family situation. i don't blame her for it but she was so cruel to me when we were younger. one of my many traumas that make it hard for me to believe people could genuinely like me. sometimes. it gets better than gets bad again every other week. not the point. i turned to the girl, and it wasn't a frown it was more of a neutral expression, with that I told her: i don't hate you. making fun of my privilege doesn't do anything, i understand why you would be upset over that so say whatever you want about me, it's not going to make me hate you. you can leave if you want, your disapproval isn't hurting me or my money.

i can't remember my exact words but it struck a chord in my. so deep. so it sucks!!! that i can't remember. but the "i don't hate you" was verbatim. her expression changed and her whole attitude did a 180. she suddenly was very sweet to me and we helped set up chairs and table. there was a guy here too but he must've been irrelevant since i don't remember his role in all of this. a weird sequence of bathrooms and locker rooms goes on. there is like timed music as you go into the bathroom and i have a weird gang of friends inthis part. i couldn't explain it now but i just remember bathrooms. and elevators i think. the building was big.

from there, the scene of that walkway opens up again. i feel weird calling her by Lizzie and ldshadowlady takes a while so im going to just call her Lady. So, Lady and some of her friends are in the backyard of that same neighbors house except it has a forest around it so it isn't really my neighbor's house but there is that same pathing and wired fence as some kind of reminder that this is happening in my head. the sky is turning pale blue and pink. there isn't quite clouds but maybe some fog up there. it is midday. they are just scattered around this small area of grass, together, talking amongst themselves, having fun. then it happens? i don't know what "it" is but something important happens. and it's connected to the rumors. like the amalgamation of all someone's fans on the internet but as this singular entity. its like a dark gust of smoke and it is still pale blue, it isn't dark out, you can still see everything. there isn't screaming, exactly, just an overall presence of horror and my vision as the omnipresent dream viewer turns all drug-like. hazy, the beige, black, foresty green, dark navy blue, spots of white and yellow is lagging and streaking around. its like when i take my glasses off while in the freeway and everything is spotty and lights bounces off eachother all uneven like I'm looking through foggy glass. 

the bodies of the people their, Lady's included (sorry lizzie... my brain is weird) fall to the ground and the dirt is cool and soft. the shape of their bodies is blurry lines shifting in all directions and they look transparent almost. like ghosts. now there is kind of some screaming but it's coming from inside my head. i come into one of the bodies and i think i morph into ldshadowlady... as in i can kind of hear her thoughts feel her horror. everyone around us is having some part of them ripped out, not like a body part. they have two bodies. this grey one and then another that is being crushed under someone's boots. guts and blood spraying and smushing, seeping into the soil. like how you crush berries to make wine. i try to close my eyes when i can feel i'm next but i can still see. my eyelids are transparent and when they do turn pitch black its like i have another eye that refuses to let me hide away. or from the corner of my eyelid i peak a little. then i watch my body smash into the other one and my blood is dark red and i was afraid it would hurt but i don't think it did. it just looked so disgusting. and the sound was replaying. squelching and smushing. it sounded a little sticky too. maybe like how when you smush something between your fingers open and close them and watch the little threads pull apart them come together. can't think of an example. maybe glue? 

there is another part of the dream that follows where i am trapped in this small house with some family and this man that i think is my husband and there is slides instead of streets and we have no neighbors there is no neighborhood to begin with. it is all cloudy and whit outside. then i am remembring a little now. a white van? ugh i won't push it anymore.