recent thoughts and feelings || relationships

wwoooaah another jaden blog

firstly haii whoevers reading this and i hope you have a nice day

my day was pretty alright, good even!

just hanged out with friends

made some new friends

gigi and floob

wonder if this will actually last

they’re pretty coolio and stuff

oh and uhhh saph aswell

yes many fellas

friendly fellas all around

im a pretty friendly fella maybe a little bit a tinsy bit 

where was i even going with this??

no damn clue

okay now to the actually important things

charlie tried talking to me… again

i don’t understand how one could be that attached to a person who treated them horribly and was NOT good for them at all

..hey……….

well whatever

i wished him the best and stuff before blocking him again

i truly do, i feel really bad for him, i get how he feels a lot

but if i can change or at least attempt to, he can as well

but i know that it can feel almost damn impossible with the wrong or no support base, which i assume is his situation 

it truly is saddening, but i suppose thats life 

on another note, today i’ve experienced a phenomenon i’ve dubbed ‘monthly dread’

once every month, usually during the start, i will feel this overwhelming sense of dread, paranoia, anxiousness

do my friends actually care? will i ever find love? did i change at all? is it all worth it in the end?

didn’t help things with liz haven't been.. the best

is it bad that i feel as if things really cant go back to being normal between us?

i might’ve spiraled

but then i looked back at an old blog of mines

speaking of that i forgot to delete those spam comments which i HAVEE now so woopsie daisies silly jaden!

it was my birthday blog

i had spoken of feeling like this effort to change had no use

i was happier when i was just a complete pos, right?

but then i thought of two things

it was seeing how star defended me against the spam comments and hurtful things being said against me, along with his own comment

it was… heartwarming? yeah

and it made me think

i wasn’t happier

i was naive, foolish, still am but moreso back then

the people i had around me weren’t helping me at all

all just people stuck in black tar together

but i’m still trying to get out of that black tar, the one that lies in everyone’s souls

its always possible to get rid of that tar

two things have helped me with that

god, and the friends that in his infinite gracefulness has blessed me with

i truly hold so much love for my friends

i have so much love in this heart this doesn’t know what it wants

aha, well, thats the end of this part

if you’re stopping here, have a good day or night whoever you are! 

RELATIONSHIPS

this part isn’t nearly as important as the first

i dont recommend reading it if you dont really gaf but if you really want to, feel free

i just needed to write down somewhere for my thoughts about this

wait why didnt i just make this a diary

AHH WHATEVER THOSE ARE FOR LOSERS

BUT THATS WHAT LOSERS THINK!!!

anyways…

i’ve been thinking a lot more about romantic relationships 

more than i should really

i shouldn’t be worrying about all that bs considering my age and my past experiences

but atp its something instilled in me

by what? not sure

doesn’t help that every damn day i see these DAMN HAPPY COUPLES OUT AND ABOUT LAUGHING AND HUGGING AND HOLDING HANDS AND KISSING

GET A ROOM NOT ALL OF US CAN BE HAPPY

omg tv girl just started playing im gonna IMPLODE BRUH

AND ITS LOVING MAXHINE DUDE WHATEVER

anywaysanyways

i envy those people

i want to be happy with someone

its a foolish naive dream i know, but thats that

i’ve never really, atleast on this account, say publicly my tastes in people or the things im into

why would i firstly who would gaf and secondly thats weird

infact i did that bs on my first account in WAY too much detail

here im keeping the weird sh** in my MIND where it belongs and where it will be unloaded onto a future partner

as it should

though tbf if you’ve seen my reposts on tiktok you would get a clue (cough cough lots of tomoko kuroki and puppy reposts..)

now what does jaden want in a relationship?

bipolar, rude, overthinking, sometimes avoidant sometimes unbearably clingy jaden

well for starters

i think having a partner you cant be FRIENDS with is boring asf

let me explain

imagine how you joke and interact with your best friend

okay now if it isn’t anything a little ODD already, then one would describe the interactions with their best friend as generally unserious, joke-filled, having a fun time, right?

i would want those moments with a partner, not just all lovey dovey things 

but still plenty of that

okay now this one isn’t a must but it certainly helps

similar interests, or at least being open to getting into my interests (and the same would apply vice versa of course)

i’d love to just be able to get into things my partner takes enjoyment in and for the same to be done for me

words cannot describe how much i love screensharing and a person actually wanting to watch me do something like oh my god you wanna watch ME play this bs?? AND YOU’RE ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION?? MARRY ME!!

sigggghhhh if onlyyyyiuhhh 👀👀

but yeah

we on the same page still? lemme put something out there a lil risky

clinginess is KEY

i made the former mistake of demanding complete and utter devotion and attention from my partner

and while that idea still seems alluring to me, that just isn’t the slightest bit healthy or sustainable

however thats not saying that me and my partner cant be dependent on each other

at the end of the day, we’ll always come back to eachother, even if we spent it apart or with other people

sending messages to check in on eachother 

our love will still be there even as we aren’t there with eachother

is it bad to say i lowk want them to be obsessed with me?

like not to an insane amiunt but i mean i would love to be constsntly missed and wanted

and they’d like constantly check all my profiles which is really really cute to me for some reason

oh what a dream

uhhuhmm whats another one

oh got it

this ones a little more minor but goodness would it make my day

i’d want my partner to just.. pay attention, yknow?

notice the little things about me

habits

i used to add songs to my playlist that i saw my partner listen to often

and i’d play it on purpose while listening to music together 

just small little sweet romantic things like that

(edit: i just thought about this but DEFINITELY lots and lots of compliments and loveeeee i wish to feel loveddddd i love words of affirmationnnnnnn and quality timeeeeee and gifts but that ones a lot less okay anyways)

perhaps all of this is a lot to ask for

am i too picky? maybe

if this doesn’t seem like a lot i do have to note theres smaller things that im not gonna bother listing 

but this is all just hypothetical

i probably wont have something like this for a while again

or ever

but thats okay, i have my friends

thats thats and this is this

have a good day or night ^_^

whoever reads this far gets a kiss