3/2/2026

i am writing this at an odd time, since it really started during the last moments of my birthday, but it is now the second of march. all i can feel right now is pain, but none of it is familiar and that bothers me. i know that i have been in these situations before, but never of sound mind to fully come face to face with it. i have been sober for almost a full month, off medication for longer. i have found in this that i feel much more intensely now.

i think my issue with this is the complexity of what i am facing. in the simplest of terms, it was another abusive relationship. however, in the more in depth ideas of it, it was much more ambiguous. it was all thought-out and methodical, just enough to ruin me but also so little to make me question my sanity. i didn't realize how extreme this was until these past few days. with no distractions, all i have is time to think and remember. these memories are tormenting me. 

i wish i could just say i am over him, but it is so much more complicated than that- it is like he is in my blood. every inch of my skin that I know he has touched feels dirty and no amount of scrubbing gives me relief. there is nothing in me now besides an empty void that occasionally fills to the brim with fear, anger, and this all-consuming sadness.

every day that passes i pretend i am getting better, or maybe i am, but when the world goes quiet and there is no one around to hear me- i keep finding myself breaking down. i try so desperately to stay strong, to be optimistic and remember everything i have been taught, but i am not okay. i can feel myself slipping back into my old headspaces.

i so badly want to drink, to drop some acid, to cut, anything to distract myself even if only temporarily because the heaviness in my heart is crushing me. i look towards the amount of support and love and for a moment i am happy, but then it is met with this paralyzing fear; a fear of none of it being real, a fear that even if it is that it will all be stripped from me. there is no comfort, and no peace. 

i can say that tonight was the first time i have got angry about all of it and it felt strange. i have never sobbed so gutturally before, and i felt violent. i never knew i was capable of such hatred. the very essence of my being has always been love, and my purpose to love- in feeling this hatred i know something has changed in me. i don't think it is a good change, but i pray it doesn't last forever. i understand if this is what I need to do subconsciously to protect myself, but i fear i will be damning myself to solitude and misunderstanding for the rest of my life all in an attempt to prevent myself from this deep of hurt again.

i am going to remove myself from the narrative, protect my peace and learn to be quiet. i want to stand on the ideas of respect and love i deserve, rather than cower and accept anything less out of fear i may never be loved at all. i must become tough, and i must be brave- i must grow from this and allow myself to feel the hurt and be angry. i must allow myself to truly grieve both who i thought he was, and the version of me that he killed, no matter how hard it is.

tu as tué une version de moi que j'aimais profondément, et pour cela, je deviendrai quelqu'un d'inconnaissable à tes yeux. à ceux de tous.