do you see what i’m seeing?

i’m paranoid. that’s an undoubtable fact about me. maybe that’s one of the more known things about me, at least to those who are very close to me. 

i’m incredibly paranoid, it’s almost wired into me in some way. when people move i turn to face them, i stare at anything that alerts me. it feels almost as if i were a camera, simply recording down everything i see. maybe this says something about my subconscious—that i’m constantly scared of my surroundings. frankly, i just hate having things out of sight. you can’t startle me when ive already noticed you were behind me. this paranoia seeps into a more superstitious area that bleeds into my every day life. whenever i think of the terrible things that could happen to me or the people i know, i drop everything and knock on wood. it’s almost compulsive in a way. i’ve never been very superstitious, but this was probably the most superstitious i’ve been. 

i also keep seeing things. not as much as before. maybe it’s a towel or two looking a little weird, my chair looking like a lump of a body. people in my room. i canr talk about it right now. it feels like the hallucinations can hear my thoughts, almost as if it makes it all worse. thinking about them makes them real. i know what i see isn’t real, o can seperate it—the issue is that knowing that it’s real, the mere mention of it makes it worse.

i don’t want to keep talking. i want to sleep in peace tonight