mmm .2

Where am I? 

I look out the window at the rain-pouring sky and see my mind reflected in the clouds. A turbulent symphony of emotions cancel each other out and I become empty. The white noise of continuous daily life wears down my identity like a river hugs the rocks, and I become smooth. Motionless.

Thump. Pulse. Thump. Pulse.

Thump.

My heartbeat pauses with my breath as I look out the window. I feel the air buzzing against my skin when it's warm outside. My hands are cold. I want fill my lungs with smoke, let the burning ash scrape against my soft tissue and creep back into my throat. Let it blind me, so I cannot see the ceiling fan as it spins its web around me and drags me up from my breaking bed. 

So what is the point in being afraid? I will keep vigilant and hope for the best.

Where am I? What am I doing here? 

I want to scream and cry and rip open my chest and expose my heart to the sharp cold that eats away at my hands and thoughts, and feel better. 

Did I do the right thing? Make the right decisions? I become more and more unsure every day. 

Everything that I want in the world becomes attainable when I want nothing at all. 

I am Always searching, seeking, an answer to the questions that have already been answered. I am never satisfied. 

In my dreams I chew at the bottom of the baggie and reach desperately for a feeling I have never felt before. I see glimpses of it before I am ejected, rudely, into the land of the waking, and go back to work. I am thrust into guilt until the feeling fades slowly around the noise of everything else and dream yet again. 

I make too much eye contact with strangers. ,