i just blogged sum buuuuullshiiiit

hello everybody! i was referring to this friend of mine in earlier posts. hes switching schools, how awesome! he hadnt talked to me in two days, i thought something happened to him, but no he just threw that bomb right at me. im just so happy, feeling so great. yesterday night i called him up after he said that and yea, he wouldnt pick up and an hour had already passed of me sobbing on the balcony just absolutely laughing out of my mind. i was just so lost, i didnt know what to do at all, its like i had no floor under my feet. he picked up eventually, we talked about it. i could barely speak, it was so tense, he was serious. i didnt wanna let on that i was crying, but it really did hit me like a truck. at first i thought it was my fault, because of that message i sent and all that i said but he just told me that he doesnt wanna switch schools either but his parents want him to because its more convenient. and its not that simple, i dont know why he would think itd be that simple to just tell me that. haha, this is so very funny. we talked for about three hours, he didnt wanna make me feel like that, i know that. i was the first one he told.

today morning i got up, he said todays his last day. it truly felt like he was gonna die of cancer or something. i wanted so badly to believe that this was a sick and distasteful joke, that its not true. i cried all night, i cried on the bus, i cried in class too. we laughed about meaningless things. i said i didnt want him to go. everytime we talk its like were in our own little bubble, like nobody has any idea what were truly talking about. its not that deep, but it is. if somebody can do magic or something, can you just please make this not happen? this is just a fucking tragedy to me. nothing is stable. and this whole thing has brought up so many old wounds, all ive been thinking about is how every small good thing i have had just leaves. i feel so used, so vulnerable, unfaithful to myself. i think im getting bad again, i can feel it. i warned him too, i knew what was coming. i just get so crazy sometimes.

this weekend im going out and its gonna be awesome. i hope i dont do anything bad this time, like last year. this nightmare just goes on and on and on and on, its never ending. every fucking time i sit there by the railing, in the cold, just the thought of him on the other end of the phone, just sitting there knowing hes doing the same, calms me down. HAHAHAH its not fucking funny dude its not funny. stupid fucking movies everywhere i just fucknig hate it, I AHTE MY FUCKIG CHUNGUS LIFE IUGARFEJFHM,LIGREVHHJDIFBOHJFDMNSDJBHNMFDKJH ELIO ELIO ELIO SHU THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHIUT US[ SHUT UP SHUT UP. okay now im calm and collected. dude, it is that serious. after everything, after all that? its not enough. and u just knew that all along, and when the fuck were u gonna tell me? i close my stupid chungus eyes and i trace the ghost of your hands on my face. dont look at me like that, like youre gonna euthanize me. dont look at me at all.