she won the world, at a carnival, but she couldn't ever win me

Got your blog in the next tab while I write this. I wonder how you woke up this morning. Probably with a “Happy Valentine’s” text and butterflies in your stomach. Not from me, though. It’s bittersweet, but mostly sweet. I can’t imagine myself ever being that romantic again, and it’s for the better. 

Every winter, like clockwork, I dread this holiday. Easily my least favorite, always for different reasons. Before, it was because I had to write names on cards I knew would get thrown away. Now, it’s because I’m salty about never having a valentine–at least, not a real, in person one. Or an in-person relationship ever, which to others who don’t know my past, any relationship. 

At least today was fairly normal for me. I went grocery shopping, had a salad. 770cals today. It was fun to pretend like it was any other Saturday, and it was easy because I didn’t have school. Throughout this week, I was ranting to my friend Nevaeh about how my love life is as dead as roadkill. I have zero interest in anybody at school because it’s basically pointless. Chances are likely that the girl I’m looking at in the hallway is straight, has a boyfriend, or will just never take interest. I’ve had that last issue my whole life really. I’ve never had anybody have a crush on me, or they did and it never lasted long enough for something to happen. I know of two girls that said they liked me, and then my ex, but she’s a different type of mess. 

I mean, I can’t say I’ve been single my whole life, because I did come out of a two year long relationship, but it feels like I shouldn’t count it because it was online. Sure, it massively affected me, but it was more like a tutorial on how to be a lover. I’ve been thinking about her less and less, which is very good because when I’m heartbroken, it’s like I’m dying. Since I’ve stopped caring or thinking about her, it’s helped me think about myself a lot, and I’m slowly, but surely, gaining confidence and love for myself. I take more photos when I look nice, I accept the compliments I get, and I’m working on becoming the best I can. 

Although I desperately dream of dating and having a girlfriend, I’m (unfortunately) getting more mature and realizing that I have other things to focus on. Sure, nobody likes me and I feel like a creep for even thinking about flirting with a person, but I literally have an essay due this week. And besides, I know I’m amazing enough without someone else telling me. I can be my own lover. 

Also, sorry if my posts seem so down and depressing, you can tell I’ve been through it. But my life has been nice. I got on the honor roll, and my ceremony is next Friday. I also have a group to hang out with at lunch, and they’ve been really nice to me so far. I also had a rally yesterday, and I was with them in the senior section of the gym. Plus, my birthday is in about 3 weeks, and my mom said I could get a piercing. I want my lobes done because they closed a long time ago, and I’m scared of getting anything else. 

But yeah, love stinks and life sucks.