Not imagining things

So for the past few months I think I been going thru some kind of depression although since I have not ever known myself to be truly depressed maybe it was just that new fangled thing “languishing” It fits better then depression I have just been feeling sad and then numb like there is always something I need to do but I find no enjoyment in doing it and then I feel like numb at other times just trying to get back into thing I do enjoy felt so draining. I’m a bookworm and I couldn’t focus on reading a book even one I have read hundreds of times to cheer myself up. I drag myself out of bed to make sure I’m there for my kids but it was seriously hard and it made me feel even worse because they SHOULD BE my motivation to keep going regardless of stress and sadness and ennui.

 

But all that aside in the past few months I have been having a huge problem with trust. Trust in the people close to me. I was feeling like all I was to them was someone to talk at. Granted they asked me how I was doing but once I would get started they seemed to turn the conversation back to them or some other topic. It was really hard when I was trying to express how I felt and it was shoved aside or I guess they were trying to relate to what I mentioned only for it to became a conversation about how they were feeling instead of a conversation on how both of us was feeling as a whole. At first I thought I was just imagining things but after while I just stop responding to the question or just saying “I’m good and how are you” and I noticed it wasn’t hard for them to forget they asked me anything.

 

Today and for the past few weeks I felt like I was finally moving away from this “languishing” I been feeling. I wanted to see if my distrust was all in my head because of how low I was feeling about myself and not feeling like I was enough for anybody.

 

Well I found out it was not all in my head today. It was hurtful but at least now I know BUT although it was hurtful I’m gonna accept it and just keep moving toward getting out of this “funk”