I miss my sister

I feel like all i do here is bitch about my family, but here we are again.

My sister's birthday is coming up in like a month and i don't know what to give her. I wanna send money but i wish i could do something more personal or nice. I wanted to order her a plushie, because i've seen her post about wanting a specific jellycat, but getting those is a bit difficult here, i don't like online shopping from new sites. Also idk if she's a bit too old (in her opinion, not mine, never too old to have plushies) because not only do i hate growing up, i also hate that everyone else ages as well. So in my mind, this jellycat is going to protect her from becoming a depressing adult.

She used to collect plushies, last time i saw her room they were all in a box. Her desk used to have art supplies and anime fanart, now there's makeup stuff. Maybe i'm just weird for never really getting over any of my interests, seeing people change has to be one of the worst experiences.

I can't even be there for important milestones, she has a school event that i can't attend because i have a really important doctor's appointment on that day, that i can't reschedule.

I don't even remember how i used to feel about her, neither do i remember if i ever expressed anything other than distain for her until recent years. I don't blame her for the distance if it really was as bad as i think. It definitely isn't, and i know she doesn't hate me, we're just dysfunctional people. There's definitely lots of family photos of happy memories, i just don't have any on me atm. I have memories of playing together and not fighting, when she was really small, before the jealousy and bitterness set in. 

Now that i think about it, the specific memory i have was at my grandma's house (mom's side) and i called my sister "a hedgehog" and i was making her a nest in a cardboard box that used to be my bed when i was small. I still call her "hedgehog" but that nickname came from her shaving her head during a phase, i never thought about that. Weird foreshadowing ig, maybe time travel. If only, i'd give a lot to return to that, and stay there. I don't hate life now, but we both have to deal with a lot, way too much tbh.

This has just made me sad, probably should sleep. I have some evaluation in like 7 hours, can't wait. Depending on how horribly it goes i might make a post.

Good night